Walking for Bella!

Its that time of year again...walking for March of Dimes in memory of my sweet Bella. Please consider donating to my walk. I appreciate it!

 March for Babies 

Slacker

Ive really been slacking in the blog department lately. Im just in a weird spot right now. I used to have SO much to say, so much going through my head. I dont know if its the sleep deprevaton or the not wanting everyone to know every little detail. (I never ended up making my blog private, altho im still considering it if I start blogging more!)

2 years ago I let Bella go. If you would have showed me how life is now I wouldnt have believed you. Its great...but theres ALWAYS that void. My grief is at a standstill it feels. 2 years isnt nearly enough time to work thru the loss of a child. Maybe its been on pause since ive had Austin. I just dont have time to cry...to have me time. Quite frankly im ok with that, but I do feel guilty sometimes. For the first year I went to the cemetary every.single.day. Even when it rained or snowed. I read to her there, I felt close to her. It was a "happy" place where I "enjoyed" my girl time. Just me and her. Now, I dont particulary like going there. I do it ocasionally on my way home from work but its not part of my routine anymore. I dont keep up with it like I should. She doesnt get the fresh flowers like she used to. She deserves so much more. You can say "oh she doesnt care..." or "shed rather you blah blah blah" but really...I dont know. Guilty.

So now, im sort of in denial...it didnt really happy did it? I really had a GIRL?  She really died? Hm. The grief process doesnt go in order...you can skip around here, there, and everywhere and I am doing just that.

And it didnt help that some didnt "remember". Those that I expected to or should have didnt. Maybe I expect too much...I mean it has been 2 years. 2 years is a LONG time...enough time to "get over it". Right. It sucks once a new baby comes along suddenly people forget the past and just concentrate on the living child. The long awaited child. Well he doesnt take the place of her. She still should be remembered. Especially on days like her birthday...christmas...her angel day....EVERYDAY.

Anyway.

I am now taking my vacation the week of Bella's birthday. MY own little holiday. It doesnt hurt that its the week of Christmas. You know there really isnt any relaxing...but 1 year. Its just nice to not have to focus on work. Ryon took the mini to the gym in the mornings so I had an hour or 2 to relax.....er....clean-ish and get Christmas presents wrapped.

So on Bella's birthday last year I made treat bags with cupcakes. This year I made treat bags with disgusting cake batter truffles. It was a disaster recipe...lol (thank you pinterest for ruining it!!!)

We sent her balloons and then went to breakfast. Theres no way I would have gone to eat last year after the cemetary. But this year I didnt cry (except for a few tears when I woke up). We went home afterwards and just enjoyed our little guy...just the 3 of us. We got a petite coldstone cake for her also. It was nice...but odd. Just a big fat void.

We also got her the precious moments little girl with the "2". Its another little tradititon...her birthday gift.

Christmas came and it was quite different from last year. We were busy chasing around our rambunctious 9 month old but still that void was there. I just wish for 1 second Christmas could feel the way it used to. Its just not the same...

(and no special ornament to remember her in 2011...super bummed about that but life goes on)

We are getting ready to celebrate Bella's 2 year angelversary next week and we will send the usual purple balloons and go to Chillis. (And hopefully be making some amaaazing kolaches!!) ;)

I hope she gets them and my note telling her how much i love her and miss her and how I cant wait to hold her in my arms again...

Void

So here we are...another holiday season. I really havent thought about it very much unlike last year where its ALL I thought about. Trying to figure out a way to skip it all.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I was thinking to myself, ya know...it just doesnt feel right, something doesnt feel right. I pictured this year was going to be so different. Like my grief would just disappear! We can go bck to "normal" now. But no, its not how I remember things being. Growing up it used to be family and big gatherings in Texas at Nannys house. Happy times, Great memories. Now id just rather stay home and cook for my small family who just wants to make it thru another season. Ok so we arent exactly looking to just fast forward...but theres jus that empty feeling that hangs around.

Im wondering if this is how it will always be? I cant do large gatherings anymore and I like to stay home...just in case...ya know, theres a melt down or something. I cant entertain or put on a happy face and be crumbling inside. Not a good faker :) Maybe one year ill be into being with others again but im fine just us. And TONS of left overs...and Ryon complaining I made way too much :) {ya gotta have all the fixin's!}

Anyway. I was curious and wanted to flashback to see just how it was last year. {Good thing I blog and can do that!} Reading it at work? Hmm maybe not the best idea ive ever had but oh well.

Pretty much feel the same.

I mean..things are different...it is "better" but it still sucks. I still have that lump in my throat, holding back tears that could just burst out at any given moment. Its been a while but given the time of year its bound to happen soon.

Ok, im over my sad mope fest.

Maybe ill post something positive tomorrow...like what im thankful for, seems to be what all the cool kids are doing :)

Tis the season

First off, I have a confession. I am addicted to Pinterest! Anything and everything all on one awesome website. And you can organize it all. Im just...in love ok.

So I came across this  blog on Pinterest from someone who pinned one of her {borrowed} brilliant ideas. I looked around a little more and have decided to try and do a few things this year.

My original plan was to do memory boxes to donate to the NICU. I have a few of the things I am going to put inside. {mother of an angel bracelets, oct 15th candles, books) Still plan to put a hat, disposable camera, candle holder and possibly a frame. What about something for DAD? Any ideas?

So here's where the blog I came across comes into play. She followed a blog where a lady did "25 random acts of Christmas kindness" as an advent calendar. I thought...awesome! I dont know if I will do 25 days this year but I will be "RACKing" people while im on vaca. So maybe the week leading up to Christmas..and the last being donating the memory boxes.

Well then I did a little stalking...or "catching up" and saw what she did the previous year. She wrapped 25 Chrismas books and put them under a tree and everynight read one along with a bible verse and asked the kids what each verse meant to them. I thought to myself how perfect!  I still wanted to put up Bella's tree but ddnt want to put it up just to remind us what we are missing. So we will put up her tree and the wrapped Christmas books to remind us of everything we HAVE! Never to early to start teaching, and Austin LOVES books.

*I might have 2 Christmas childrens books but I need 25 for this advent activity. If anyone would like to donate new or gently used Christmas books before December 1st that'd be fantaaaabulous! Ill be on hunt for some before the endof the month. Very excited about this.

I love starting new traditions! I will try to post pictures and all that jazz. Hopfully this will keep me busy and not be so sad this year. Ah to balance honoring and grieving your baby that died and still be in the festive mood for your living child(ren).  Its a tough thing to do!

 advent book idea 

 RACK (original) 

 RACK...the one I saw on Pinterest 

I still look up

Theres something about the way the sun sines thru the clouds that remind me of her.

Just the other day it was raining so hard and was so dreary...the clouds were really low over the mountains on my way to work. When I got about half way to work I looked up and there was a small(and I mean small) eye shaped break in the clouds where I saw a bright blue sky. It made me smile and despite the bad weather it was a good day.

This picture was yesterday on our way home, Ryon pointed out how fast the clouds were moving and how the suns rays were shining over the mountains. Beautiful. Reminded us of our angel.

Its the little things.

Going back

The past few days I have been really emotional and this anxiety wont go away. (Anyone that has anxiety knows this feeling is misery!) I just brushed it off until today when I realized why. My sister in law is about to deliver baby #2...at the same hospital I gave birth to Bella at. I havent been back since I was wheeled out empty handed barely 24 hours after I gave birth. {This hospital is only minutes from my house}

I know she wouldnt be upset if I didnt go but part of me says I have to. I just keep having flash backs of them taking her from me....and then seeing her laying under the warmer in a bigger labor room with the Winchester NICU team breathing for her. And the look in their eyes...and in hers. I wish I wasnt upset during such a happy time for our family.

Ah decisions, decisions...

Praying for a healthy baby boy and momma!

Gone

For the first time in a long time I went thru Bella's chest. I really wanted to remember. I really wanted to smell the blanket and dress she wore after she passed. The hat she wore after she was born. The shirt they put her in after her first bath. The swaddler she spit up all over.

I keep the dress, hat and blanket in a big ziplock bag. When I took it out I held it and tried to smell that sweet baby smell that reminded me of her. It was there for just a second...and then it was gone. Has it been that long??!

I quickly put everything back in the bag and stuffed everything back in the chest. And lost it. I miss her so much.

Austin stood still (in the jumperoo) and watched me. When I realized this I wiped my tears and pulled myself together. I have to be strong. He's a good distracton.

But it still hurts like hell.

Why cant I have both of my kids? Why do I have to be 1 in 4?

*October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month*

This month we remember. {Every DAY I remember} Next month starts the holidays. December is her 2nd birthday. January is the 2nd anniversary of her death. February is my birthday and then....my rainbow will be 1. Im till trying to figure this all out. I need a vacation, just me and my boys.

Normal

I feel like I could have totally written this. {If I could write}

"Normal"

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family’s life.

Normal for me is trying to decide how to celebrate Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine’s Day, July 4th and Easter.

Normal is feeling like you know how to act -and are more comfortable with- a funeral than a wedding or birthday party…yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket. Normal is feeling more at home in a NICU rather than a baby shower..

Normal is feeling like you can’t sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don’t like to sit through anything anymore..

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand “what if’s” & “why didn’t I’s” go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away, crying when your alone..

Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby’s age. And then thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child’s death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone’s eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my “normal”.

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child’s memory and his birthday- yet survive these days. Trying to find the balloon or flag that fit’s the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really, but it was in its own way. What do you compromise?

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my baby loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

Normal is making sure that others remember him.

Normal is when the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but I continue to grieve my loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better. Then nothing, then worse again..

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you – it doesn’t compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.

Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal dislikes jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone’s loved one.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.

Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives- sometimes we call them lives, sometimes there are existences..

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. “God may have done this because…” I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why my baby was taken from this Earth after all he lived through is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense tome.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have children, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have no children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.

Normal is avoiding McDonald’s and Burger King Playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them.

Normal is asking God why he took your child’s life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.

Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become “normal” for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are “normal”.

~Author unknown


Its a tough time of the year. Thats all.

God gave me you

Its a crazy thing being the mother of an angel. Unless you are, you couldnt possibly comprehend the highs and lows that we constantly go thru and the emotions we struggle with. 

Sure comments people make and things that have anything to do with babies either of specific gender or age of our little angels can bring up feelings or memories. But something as simple as looking at the way the sun shines thru the clouds can make you cry...or smile, as if to say...I see you.

Well this morning on the way to work I was thinking...I dont look up very much anymore. I look around. I know where she is. But really, where is she?? Sometimes I look to the sky, sometimes shes a butterfly, sometimes shes at home, sometimes shes the rustling leaves when the wind blows. Shes EVERYWHERE. 

As I was leaving the cemetary today I was driving preeetty slow (which is unusual for me lol) and I noticed the clouds were reeeally dark. Suddenly the clouds parted and the sun shined thru in such a way that made me cry. (the picture doesnt do justice, the clouds were movin fast) I turned up the radio and heard this song:

"God Gave Me You"

I’ve been a walking heartache

I’ve made a mess of me

The person that I’ve been lately

Ain’t who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me

And watch as the storm blows through

And I need you

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt

And for when I think I lost my way

There are no words here left to say, it’s true

God gave me you

Gave me you

There’s more here than what we’re seeing

A divine conspiracy

That you, an angel lovely

Could somehow fall for me

You’ll always be love’s great martyr

And I’ll be the flattered fool

And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt

And for when I think I lost my way

There are no words here left to say, it’s true

God gave me you

On my own I’m only

Half of what I could be

I can’t do without you

We are stitched together

And what love has tethered

I pray we never undo

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt

God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt

And for when I think I lost my way

There are no words here left to say, it’s true

God gave me you, gave me you.

He gave me you. "

AND if that werent enough of a sign...the butterfly was back! A while ago I was leaving and a butterfly flew along side my car...and it was back! Or.. she was back.

I am SO thankful that God gave me Bella to carry for 9 months, to stand by her side and love on for 22 days, and to hold in my heart for as long as im living.

I love you my sweet sun shine and I cant wait to see your beautiful face when I arrive at Heavens gate. Until then...keep on shinin'! I can feel you around me :)

Fall

Ah fall....my least favorite season. Its just so daggone gloomy! This year I took off a few days in October and we are going to do a few things as a family that we havent done. (No beach tis year...booo) It'll be nice tho getting to spend time with my loves tho! Someone will obviously be mising. Always. How I wish I could hear my little miss yapping away in the back seat or to look in the rear view and see both of my babies snoozin on our little road trip.

I wish I could see her in her little cowboys cheerleader outfit cheering for our team every Sunday! The pumpkin patch. Halloween. Thanksgiving. All of it. I always think of how it would be. Im sure I always will. Its different now that Austin is here tho. I dont have all this time on my hands to sit around and wonder like last year. Im very thankful for that. I drove myself crazy. When thoughts come in my head now...I ponder for a moment, smile, and move on. Sometimes ill go give her picture a kiss and whisper "I love you".

Some days it hurts and ive done a good job covering up the pain and heartache and rarely shed a tear anymore. Its gotten easier to hold back.However, with fall upon us and the gloomy dark days...the tears and heartache will show themselves again im sure. Maybe.

Her birthday is going to be here soon {ok so its 3 months away...but itll be here before we know it!} and im starting to make a plan. Last year our family was with us, and this year im thinking just the 3 of us. Undecided still. Going to hopefully make new traditions as well. Im searching for some good ones. Ive started to gather things to make a few care packages. Maybe 2. She would be 2. Still havent contacted the NICU tho.

Also my plan is to start making hats and mini blankets. Ive watched youtube videos but havent picked up the yarn yet. Well, I have it...sitting in a bag waiting...

(Austin could use a few hats himself! You know...they are so hard to find, its crazy.)

I got the idea today from the MEND newsletter to make a sign to put outside by Bella tree on her birthday. Maybe we will take it down on her angelversary and do this ever year. A simple 22 day reminder to those around us that she LIVED...and continues to in our hearts.

Id like to hear how you all plan to celebrate your babies on their birthday, angelversary, and during the holidays. Even if you havent lost a child and have an idea. Comments welcome! :)