Void

So here we are...another holiday season. I really havent thought about it very much unlike last year where its ALL I thought about. Trying to figure out a way to skip it all.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I was thinking to myself, ya know...it just doesnt feel right, something doesnt feel right. I pictured this year was going to be so different. Like my grief would just disappear! We can go bck to "normal" now. But no, its not how I remember things being. Growing up it used to be family and big gatherings in Texas at Nannys house. Happy times, Great memories. Now id just rather stay home and cook for my small family who just wants to make it thru another season. Ok so we arent exactly looking to just fast forward...but theres jus that empty feeling that hangs around.

Im wondering if this is how it will always be? I cant do large gatherings anymore and I like to stay home...just in case...ya know, theres a melt down or something. I cant entertain or put on a happy face and be crumbling inside. Not a good faker :) Maybe one year ill be into being with others again but im fine just us. And TONS of left overs...and Ryon complaining I made way too much :) {ya gotta have all the fixin's!}

Anyway. I was curious and wanted to flashback to see just how it was last year. {Good thing I blog and can do that!} Reading it at work? Hmm maybe not the best idea ive ever had but oh well.

Pretty much feel the same.

I mean..things are different...it is "better" but it still sucks. I still have that lump in my throat, holding back tears that could just burst out at any given moment. Its been a while but given the time of year its bound to happen soon.

Ok, im over my sad mope fest.

Maybe ill post something positive tomorrow...like what im thankful for, seems to be what all the cool kids are doing :)

Tis the season

First off, I have a confession. I am addicted to Pinterest! Anything and everything all on one awesome website. And you can organize it all. Im just...in love ok.

So I came across this  blog on Pinterest from someone who pinned one of her {borrowed} brilliant ideas. I looked around a little more and have decided to try and do a few things this year.

My original plan was to do memory boxes to donate to the NICU. I have a few of the things I am going to put inside. {mother of an angel bracelets, oct 15th candles, books) Still plan to put a hat, disposable camera, candle holder and possibly a frame. What about something for DAD? Any ideas?

So here's where the blog I came across comes into play. She followed a blog where a lady did "25 random acts of Christmas kindness" as an advent calendar. I thought...awesome! I dont know if I will do 25 days this year but I will be "RACKing" people while im on vaca. So maybe the week leading up to Christmas..and the last being donating the memory boxes.

Well then I did a little stalking...or "catching up" and saw what she did the previous year. She wrapped 25 Chrismas books and put them under a tree and everynight read one along with a bible verse and asked the kids what each verse meant to them. I thought to myself how perfect!  I still wanted to put up Bella's tree but ddnt want to put it up just to remind us what we are missing. So we will put up her tree and the wrapped Christmas books to remind us of everything we HAVE! Never to early to start teaching, and Austin LOVES books.

*I might have 2 Christmas childrens books but I need 25 for this advent activity. If anyone would like to donate new or gently used Christmas books before December 1st that'd be fantaaaabulous! Ill be on hunt for some before the endof the month. Very excited about this.

I love starting new traditions! I will try to post pictures and all that jazz. Hopfully this will keep me busy and not be so sad this year. Ah to balance honoring and grieving your baby that died and still be in the festive mood for your living child(ren).  Its a tough thing to do!

 advent book idea 

 RACK (original) 

 RACK...the one I saw on Pinterest