New Video

From my sister:

Here is a long overdue video I made in memory of my sweet niece Bella Renae Blehr who passed after 3 short weeks from ACD, a rare fatal lung disease. Information on how to purchase this amazing song used or to buy the complete compilation cd is included in the video. A portion of all proceeds will go to ACD Research. Thank you for your support in helping to raise money for more research, as we search for answers and find a cure!
God Bless!
Tammy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Af5-YcZBU4


If you watch it from the blog be sure to pause the music playlist!

Holidays

I cant believe its already November. I made it through Halloween, although that wasnt too hard. I was a little sad that I didnt get to dress her up and show her off like other glowing new parents.

Thankfully we live in the back of our neighborhood and we dont get too many trick or treaters anyway so I didnt get any candy to give out. I would have hated to start crying passing out candy to happy little trick or treaters. Everyone keeps saying..."oh, well next year.." let me tell you, that does not help whatsoever.

Ah, now on to the next.... Thanksgiving.

Ryon is all for this holiday...any excuse to eat :) Well not me. I am just not in the mood to celebrate ANYTHING this year. Normally ill cook at home and bring food to my MIL's. I really like being home so I was really looking forward to having Bella and staying home for holidays. We were going to cook at our house and just lounge around and eat and watch football and be with our little girl. Ah, my perfect Thanksgiving. Well since shes not here Ryon said we'd go over to the in laws. Id much rather just stay home tho. Its coming quick so we better figure out what were going to do.

Her first birthday is almost here...I cant believe it! This year just flew by but in my head it felt like time was standing still. Like people were rushing past me. Strange feeling. All year I was thinking about what to do...what to make. Well I havent done ANYTHING. Im stumped and dont know what to do. Hopefully ill figure somthing out soon.

Christmas is just a few days after and I suggested to Ryon that we go away. We get a small bonus from work (usually) and since I dont plan on buying anyone gifts I figure we could use that to go somewhere for Christmas Eve/Christmas. Still not sure where and if well go but thats what Id like to do. Better start looking!

After spending last year at the hospital w/Bella and then having dinner at Waffle House(it was the only option, and terrible...) I never thought Id want to be away from home again. However, I never thought we'd be without her this year. Being at home would just be so depressing.

Anyway...really just dreading these next 2 months

Sharing a bold post written by another baby loss mother

I applaud her for writting this.

In her memory

I really want to help other baby loss mothers and have read several blogs about what other women have done and it just got me really inspired to do something.

We got 2 memory boxes from the NICU at UVA(one after Bella passed and 1 at the memorial service that my mom and mother in law attended). So I think thats the route ill go.

They were very nice hand painted boxes. The one that we recieved after she passed had some of her things (the shampoo we used to bathe her, bp cuffs, locks of her hair, several of her hospital bands, ect) and the one from the service had a bag with angel shaped cookies, which I used to put some more of her things in.

Well my plan is to make a few boxes myself...and fill them with things that I beileve would help a baby loss mother and something also for the father. I love crafts...so hopefully I can make some nice boxes myself and inside include things like a book I found comforting, a candle, a charm or some sort of jewlery that has to do with an angel(s), a (bella) bear, and a handmade card.

I want to do this for her birthday every year...and donate to either the UVA NICU or Winchester's NICU...or both :)

This year its financially impossible to do but im hoping and praying that we can finally pay off her medical bills next year and be able to give back. Im really excited about this project and cant wait to get started. I think that ill use whats left of a michaels gift card I have to start on the boxes :)

I had planned to use it to make Bella something for her birthday but im stuck and cant figure out what to make/how to make whatever for her grave... any ideas???

Lately

Ive really been having a hard time lately. It started right before our vacation, perfect timing, which made the trip just lovely.

The holidays are coming up and this is the time of year I was dreading. Halloween, Thanksgiving, her birthday, Christmas, New Years, her angelversary...constant heartache.

Things seemed too easy for a while. I just wasnt crying that much and stopped doing things I would normally do. Instead of reading to her at her grave I started to just do "drive bys" (stop, give her kisses, tell her I loved her n leave) I stopped going in the nursery and talking to her. It just started to feel so cold and empty. I stopped giving her (picture) kisses goodnight...mainly because I usually pass out on the chair and sleep walk to bed.

I didnt get the chance to go by and see her before we went out of town, and this made me feel TERRIBLE. I felt like such a horrible mother leaving and not saying goodbye. I had a few tear times on the trip and lots of moodiness I blamed on my pregnancy hormones which wasnt completely true. I really just missed her. I still miss her...and ill always miss her. But she should have been with us. This was going to be her first time at the beach. It would have been a totally different trip is she was there...that really made me sad/mad/upset.

I had such a special bond with her. From the second I found out I was pregnant to the first kick at 17 weeks...I was head over heels in love with my Bella. I would talk to her, sing to her, tell her I loved her...all the time. I loved people talking about her, and I didnt mind the belly rubs and extra attention!

This is a big reason why im having a hard time. Im 19 weeks and I feel reluctant to bond with Austin. I dont talk to him and rarely rub my belly. He doesnt kick like Bella did so its not hard to "avoid" him. I dont know what it is but im just really uncomfortable when other people notice my belly and pay any attention to him...and those belly rubs that I didnt mind before, now they make my skin crawl.

This REALLY disturbs me. I read in all the books that some women have this reaction for fear of losing the baby again. Before I got pregnant I said "oh absolutely not me!" I thought for sure I would enjoy every second and embrace the pregnancy. I am so thankful to be pregnant...but im terrified.

*Id love to hear from other womn who've felt the same and how you dealt with it.

Anyway, I decided last night to ask Bella for help. I stepped into the nursery (which is STILL set up for her) and leaned over the crib...I told her how I was feeling and asked her to help me. I want so badly to bond with Austin...but im just having such a hard time. After crying out to her and talking for a while...I felt a huge sense of peace. I layed down and Austin started rolling all around. Hes been kicking a little more..and im hoping thats all I needed, was to feel my little miracle inside of me.

Its crazy how Bella is no longer here but talking to her always makes everything so much better. Shes a good listener and a big help to her mommy. So lucky to have my angel o:)

Mini update

So im back from Hawaii...and working on that blog. I might have it up by next year :)

I will be 20 weeks in a few days. I wanted to start another blog for our rainbow baby instead of adding on to this one which started out as "bella's"...and I fiiinally did, just a few weeks late(I guess part of me is still a Ritter lol)

This one I plan on writing about our angel, the family, our grief, and random stuff.



Ill be posting about the pregnancy and the baby on:

waitingonourrainbow.blogspot.com

I cant write in my new blog tho until I can figure out how to add it to my blog app...I seem to only be able to blog from my phone nowadays.

Anyway...more blogs are swirling in my head so stay tuned! lol

Normal

(This wasnt written by me...found it on another baby loss mothers blog where she had posted poems that SHE found...so im not sure who wrote it :) but any baby loss mother can relate im sure)

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age they would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

Normal is making sure that others remember them.

Normal is that everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have a child, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have no children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.

Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".

Always changing

The title can describe a lot of things. Grief, pregnancy moods, but this time im talking about our ideas for our son's name and nursery.

We had a name picked out since we started dating...7 years ago, Austin Ryon was what we were going to call our first son. Well now that I am pregnant with a boy we have changed our minds. One reason was another girl naming her son Austin (very soon) and they will most likely go to school together. Ryon says you cant have 2 Austins. (now growing up how many John's, Kevin's, Ryan's, and so on did you know!? lol) Then we just sort of fell out of love with that name so the search began. We made a list of several names we liked...

Landon
Jaxson
Mason
Teagan
Gavyn
Brooks
Kingston (OK Ryon hated this 1 lol)
Rhys
Kaedon
and so on...


I am pretty confidant that we have agreed on a name for our son... but things change ALL the time so I am going to say I am 99.8% sure we will call him:

Jaxson Ryon Blehr :) I don't see it changing but you never know with us Blehr's


Also, If you read a few posts back about nursery ideas...there was only 1 boy room and I was so sure we were going to do that. Nope... not anymore! lol

We've finally agreed on a room and the ideas of what we want to do with it...


Ive always disliked really "baby baby" rooms...and BLUES! So many boys rooms are cars, zoo animals, sports or BLUES...yuck

This bedding is exactly what I was looking for. Something soothing, tranquil, and I LOVE the colors! Green, blue, and brown/tan...and we might even paint the walls like this:



BLUE! but what a great shade of blue...it might be a pale green. Still not sure until we get the bedding. Really hoping we are able to get it because I just LOVE it and all the ideas I have for it (thanks to google images)

I could totally see a tall giraffe in the corner...or maybe more of a surfer room with a surf board fan and palm decals on the wall. We shall see.

Im so excited to start on Jaxson's room...but not looking forward to putting all the girly dresses, shoes, hats, toys, and everything PINK away. I am going to keep most of the stuff but putting "Bella's things" away makes me sad. I'm ready for change tho, I'm ready to give Jaxson his space and create a new space for Bella's things, a place easily accessible so we can pull her possessions out any time. The rest of the girly items will be stored away but HER things will go in something like this....


except it will be a cherry finish, in our living room of course with her heartbeat bear sitting comfortably on top.

The big reveal

I was prefectly fine all day, not really thinking much about my appointment. While we were waiting (its usually a looong wait) I decided I would catch up on the blogs that I follow to keep my mind off my extremely full bladder. Well, I could have cried after reading them but im not a huge fan of crying in public. So I bottled those emotions...knowing theyd come out sooner or later.

We finally got to go back and couldn't wait to see our little bean! First was the big ol head (ryon cant deny our children! Hehe jk) and then we got to hear the heartbeat...166bpm. Music as always. Bean was moving around a lot! We werent sure if we'd get to find out the sex...and then there it was...

I said "thats A PENIS!" Yup thats right, ALLLL BOY! He wasn't shy at all like his big sister Bella. I waited until the ultrasound tech left and boy did I cry. So many mixed emotions, so much going through my head. I KNEW it was a boy but I wanted another little girl, a girl I could take care of and watch grow up and do all the girly mother/daughter things with. It just seems so out of reach now.

I feel so guilty. I was driving home and crying and just felt terrible for being so sad. I dont want him to think I dont want him because that couldnt be farther from the truth. He will be SO loved and I cant wait to meet him. I am so thankful for ANY and ALL children that the Lord blesses us with.

We buried Bella 10 months ago. The sex of the baby should be irrelevant (as another baby loss mother said). Either way there would be sadness, and I knew that. I just wasnt prepared for it!

With a boy along the way its going to be so different. This baby wont be a replacement baby(not that a girl would but some people might think that). All of Bella's things wont suddenly become her little sisters. Its a whole new start. Time to shop for a boy nursery and pack up the girly room that was once Bella's. 

Maybe one day well get another little girl but for now we look forward to preparing to meet the new addition to our family. A beautiful healthy little boy!

(Btw we might be changing the name we picked out which is why I didnt call him by name!)

ARB, BRB or JRB? Hmm...well see what we decide!

Obsession

With Bella I didnt have any cravings..at all, and with this baby I havent really had any either. I have an obsession instead.

Asparagus. I could live off this stuff. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. If I have it for dinner, its my main course...anything else is just a side. And I dont share, I eat the whole bundle! (sorry Ryon)

I used to make it different ways ever since I started eating it within the past year or 2. Now I can only have it 1 way and some may think that youd get tired of it. Nope. Not me.

So if anyone wants to give me a gift for any reason...think no further than ASPARAGUS! Haha. I will love you forever.

Rolled in melted butter, loaded with minced garlic, fresh squeezed lemon juice over it(1/2 a lemon...then at the end squeeze the other half)

Baked for about 10-12mins.

Yummmmm! Good ol garlicy, buttery, lemoney, crunchy asparagus...what would I do without you?! :D