My Mom is a Survivor

 My mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.

But I can hear her crying
when all others are in bed.

...I watch her lay awake at night.
and go to hold her hand.

She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.

But like the sands upon a beach
that never wash away...

I watch over my surviving mom
who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others,
a smile of disguise.

But through Heaven's open door,
I see tears flowing from her eyes.

My mom tries to cope with my death,
to keep my memory alive.

But anyone who knows her
knows it's her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom
through Heaven's open door...

I try to tell her that
Angel protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn't help her,
or ease the burdens she bears.

So if you get a chance, call to her
And show her that you care.

For no matter what she feels,
my surviving mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.

~K. D'Ormeaux

fresh

I started following this precious little boy Miller's journey about a week ago (colecrews.blogspot.com) I went back and read the previous posts and then a few days later I found out he had gone to Heaven. I have been SO sad the past few days. It just brought it all back and reading about him has made our loss seem so fresh.

Bella has been on my mind constantly...she always is but lately its hit me especially hard. The tears flow like you wouldnt even believe and Im starting to feel stuck again. I know this is going to happen forever until I can be with her again but I just wish it didnt hurt so bad.

Watching this video...it feels like yesterday.




One thing ive been thinking about that I wish we did differently...I wish we chose to see her one last time at the funeral home. A lot of things about that dont sit well with me and I wonder a lot. I feel like if we got to hold her one last time there, I would have more closure. Obviously I cant go back and do it all over but if i could thats one thing I would have done regardless of what I was told it would be like if I did...

{Happy} Father's Day

So how are you supposed to be happy on days that youre reminded theres someone missing? (Not that we dont think of her EVERDAY but these days are especially difficult)

Sure we have a beautiful healthy baby at home and for that we are thankful, but it still hurts that SHE is missing (in body). Especially when people say ignorant things or dont even acknowledge her existance. For Ryon it was the comments...(and on Mothers Day it was the latter) When people say things like "happy first fathers day!" It stings. Its actually his second thankyouverymuch. Because shes not here does that mean hes not a father to her? Absolutely not! She lived. Even if she didnt, she existed. She has a father and just because shes no longer living doesnt mean his duty as her father is over too. She lives within our hearts and for as long as we are living her memory will too and I wont let anyone forget her. How could you?

My precious angel: mommy, daddy, and little brother love you soo very much! <3

MIA

I havent posted much over here lately...my world is pretty much centered around bringing Austin into this world healthy at the moment. Its very scarey! Lots of anxiety and emotions as the DD approaches and just not knowing.

I cant wait to bring him out to Bella's resting place and reading to BOTH of my babies...1 watching over and the other in my arms.

I will be back to blogging over here some time...for now I will most likely be posting on www.waitingonourrainbow.blogspot.com


{Missing her always}

I wish you were here...

My favorite baby shower gift from my good friend Joy.

Maybe someday

I havent posted in a while. Not much has been going on besides getting ready to bring Austin into the world.

Ive been feeling okay, all things considered. My grief journey seemed to come to a halt...or maybe this is just part of moving forward. I havent been "sad" lately. Ive been able to talk about Bella with a smile on my face and the last time I cried was most likely Christmas (that I can vivdly remember being super upset) altho I know ive cried atleast once since then. I feel a major meltdown coming on tho...

We got Austin's room close to being done besides a few little details..decor and such. I sat in there after we moved in the furniture and thats when I started to get really anxious. It really started to sink in that I wont always just be pregnant. We got pregnant in the hopes that we'll get to bring him home.  Will we get to bring him home?? or will it be another empty nursery we just have to change again?? Its still weird going from pink to brown and sage and boy. Im very excited about just having a healthy baby but its totally different this time around. Gender aside, I cant wait to be able to breathe one day. This anxiety is no fun.

Another thing im ready to be over with is envy. Im not jealous, but I AM envious of moms who get to keep their little girls. So many people I know have girls or are expecting girls and I just wish that one day it wont sting so bad when I hear about their girls or the excitment of expecting one.

So, im just envious right now (repeat; NOT jealous, I dont want YOUR girl(s) or life) I just wish I didnt have to "lose" mine. Maybe someday ill get to experience what life will be like with a little girl around...

Maybe someday it wont sting so bad...




(Btw my mini meltdown didnt even wait until I finished this post...thank you blogger for letting me get my emotions out, maybe I need to get back to blogging on the regular!)

The Truth

 The Truth 

First Birthday in Heaven

I so wish Bella could be celebrating her birthday with her family who loves her and misses her soooo much...instead shes celebrating with Jesus and all the other angel babies. I imagine its one huuuge celebration the week of CHRISTmas! One day I will get to find out just what its like but until then we will continue to celebrate her life without her here.

The night before her birthday we made cupcakes and blew up balloons. The plan was to release balloons when she was born at 9:05am. I didnt sleep a wink that night! Im kicking myself now because I was so worried about getting to sleep(that really never happened) that I didnt get up to see the BELLA eclipse!!! Uugh. I finally got tired of not sleeping so I went outside around 530am...it was a little cloudy then and obviously too late.

When we got up 1/2 the balloons were on the ground. Ryon decided to then read the helium tank: BLOW UP BALLOONS 2-3 HOURS BEFORE EVENT. We'll know next time :) lol. Anyway we blew up some more and got a late start so we got to the cemetary with about 15 mins to spare. It was pretty cold so everyone was moving pretty slooow. The balloons were all tangled from getting them from the house to the car. We decided instead of trying to mess with it so everyone could write on a balloon we would write notes and tie them and send them all together. Once we got the balloons out of the car they were getting smaller and smaller so we thought maybe the notes would keep them down. Bella wanted her balloons so she got her balloons! They went up up and awaay. Im sure they made it up to Heaven...I just wonder how long it took??

After we watched the balloons for a while it was time to light the candle on her flower birthday cake. MISSION IMPOSSIBLE. I tried several angles trying to block the wind but that candle just wouldnt light! Enough was enough so we just decided to go ahead and sing happy birthday. I started it off but of course couldnt sing past "Happy Birthday to..." and thats when the tears came. I just couldnt believe here we were singing happy birthday to our princess on a cold winter (first day of winter actually) day at her grave site.

We gave out the cupcakes and everyone left while Ry and I stayed for a little bit. We read her a book and talked to her and then it was time to go.

When we got home there was a bunch of balloons left behind just laying there...Ryon decided to kick them to see what Chloe would do. She went nutss! She was running around picking them up and theyd pop...so shed get another one and run with it until it popped and did that till all the balloons were popped! It was soo funny! She had a great time and so did Bella and her little friends she brought with her :)

Our girl is never too far away... <3

I plan on celebrating her birth every year. Why not? She is and will always be my first born and she deserves to be celebrated. December 21st is Bella day in the Blehr house and I dont plan on working on that day everrr. Austin and any other kids we may have will always know their sissy and it will always be a day to celebrate!

We love our Bella more and more every day...

Happy 1st Birthday to my beautiful baby girl!

Missed more than you could ever imagine...

bella cupcakes and princess bags to put them in

beauty...plain and simple

Bella bear & flowers

writing notes

from mommy and daddy

tying notes to the balloons

...Happy Birthday Bella, we love you!

still flying...

trying to light her candle in the wind

ok so we couldnt light it..about to sing to her...

a rainbow bean on my belly! :)

1 yr old, precious moments

Nana, Nonie, and Chief

Aunt B, cousin Hunter, Uncle Scott

Daddy, Bellabear, Mommy

pretty flower cake in Bella colors :)

Happy Birthday baby girl <3

Daddy, Bella(and friend), and Chloe having fun popping the balloons

Chloe almost done...& Bella watching from atop the flooring against the wall

The aftermath...and there she is again :)

Bella's tree

Ive been wanting to bring her a little tree for some time now and we FINALLY did it last night in the freeeezing cold! :D

I was hoping to decorate it and all out there but it was just frigid so we did that part at home...and boy am i glad! The wind was/is absolutely ridiculous so we had to stake it down. Poor daddy froze his fingers off! (The rope broke so it took a little longer than we would have liked!) I checked on it today and watered it and am happy to say it is doing just fine.

We sure love and miss our little girl.

{Her 1st birthday in less than a week!! Eeeek!)

Song for Bella

love love love this song. winter reminds me of my sweet little girl.

Winter Song --- sarah mclachlan