Rain

I never liked the rain. It was always so dark and depressing to me. However, after Bella died I LOVED when it rained. LOVED it. It was the only time I would smile. Most people I know also dislike the rain...and when it rains people get in this funk. I didnt feel so alone when it rained and that made me happy.

Maybe it was a bit selfish of me to be happy that others were feeling down because of the rain, but I felt like they were getting a little taste of my every day.

This past week it has rained NONSTOP. {ThankyouLee} Needless to say im quite sick of the rain. Im not sure when this changed and im not sure how I feel about it. I still miss my girl like crazy. Now when the sun shines bright and I feel the warmth on my skin, I smile. When the wind blows, I smile. But when it rains...im one of those people that get in that funk....

If its going to rain, Bella...atleast send mommy a rainbow ;) i love you sweet girl.

Images

I know in my last post I talked about how I feel Bella around, but this time I SAW her... {Chills}

Austin hasnt been sleeping well and has started screaming when I lay him down even tho he will be in a deep sleep. So weird. Anyway, I normally pick him back up and walk, sing to him, rock him..and try again. Well about the fourth time of doing this I started to get a little tired of it. Eh well..I was just tired really. Or REALLY TIRED. {Because lets face it, I LOVE holding and loving on my Austy}

Well as I laid him down and he started to wake up...there she was in the doorway. I cant say she had blonde hair in pigtails and bright blue eyes smiling at me...but I saw SOMETHING. Just a cloud or image. Strange. My heart dropped. I always feel her around when im hurting or maybe when shes trying to tell me somthing and just wants me to know shes here. I love it.

Baby brother Austin is now 5 months old. Its crazy to think I have a living breathing ever changing baby that is 5 months old. Last year I couldnt imagine life how it is today. Taking care of a baby on a daily basis instead of caring for a grave site. Now I do both. I work, stop by to check on Bella and give kisses from mommy, daddy, and brother..and then I head home to my loves.

When Austin does something new I often think how Bella would have sounded, acted, looked like doing the same things. It makes me sad but I dont cry like I did in the beginning. Ive had a few days but theyre not nearly as often as they used to be. I have my angel to thank for giving me the strength to get thru each day with a smile on my face. I absolutely LOVE my girl and miss her more than ever.


Thats all for now...

I believe

As I was telling Ryon today...Bella is here at home. At night usually is when I feel her most. I'll be giving Austin his nightly bottle or walking with him to put him to sleep and I feel like if I had some type of spray I could spray it and youd see her. I just feel like shes there...I KNOW shes there. Maybe one of these times I feel like ill turn my head and actually see her. It gives me butterflies. Shed be so big now! Turning 2 this December! Holy cow. She does come and go but she'll always be here. Shes coming to watch over little brother and comfort mommy and daddy when we need her the most.

Today daddy needs her most. Today we said goodbye to Ryon's first dog, Ecko. He was a special dog and we will miss him so very much!! <3 Hes not suffering anymore and he gets to run and play like the puppy he always thought he was! I believe he will be Bella's protector :)

{http://www.ibelieveinangels.com/}

*The picture I posted is of my cousin Lacey, whom I believe came to get Bella on 1/12/10. I like to think she is taking good care of my sweet girl until mommy and daddy can be with her again.*

My Mom is a Survivor

 My mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.

But I can hear her crying
when all others are in bed.

...I watch her lay awake at night.
and go to hold her hand.

She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.

But like the sands upon a beach
that never wash away...

I watch over my surviving mom
who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others,
a smile of disguise.

But through Heaven's open door,
I see tears flowing from her eyes.

My mom tries to cope with my death,
to keep my memory alive.

But anyone who knows her
knows it's her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom
through Heaven's open door...

I try to tell her that
Angel protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn't help her,
or ease the burdens she bears.

So if you get a chance, call to her
And show her that you care.

For no matter what she feels,
my surviving mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.

~K. D'Ormeaux

fresh

I started following this precious little boy Miller's journey about a week ago (colecrews.blogspot.com) I went back and read the previous posts and then a few days later I found out he had gone to Heaven. I have been SO sad the past few days. It just brought it all back and reading about him has made our loss seem so fresh.

Bella has been on my mind constantly...she always is but lately its hit me especially hard. The tears flow like you wouldnt even believe and Im starting to feel stuck again. I know this is going to happen forever until I can be with her again but I just wish it didnt hurt so bad.

Watching this video...it feels like yesterday.




One thing ive been thinking about that I wish we did differently...I wish we chose to see her one last time at the funeral home. A lot of things about that dont sit well with me and I wonder a lot. I feel like if we got to hold her one last time there, I would have more closure. Obviously I cant go back and do it all over but if i could thats one thing I would have done regardless of what I was told it would be like if I did...

{Happy} Father's Day

So how are you supposed to be happy on days that youre reminded theres someone missing? (Not that we dont think of her EVERDAY but these days are especially difficult)

Sure we have a beautiful healthy baby at home and for that we are thankful, but it still hurts that SHE is missing (in body). Especially when people say ignorant things or dont even acknowledge her existance. For Ryon it was the comments...(and on Mothers Day it was the latter) When people say things like "happy first fathers day!" It stings. Its actually his second thankyouverymuch. Because shes not here does that mean hes not a father to her? Absolutely not! She lived. Even if she didnt, she existed. She has a father and just because shes no longer living doesnt mean his duty as her father is over too. She lives within our hearts and for as long as we are living her memory will too and I wont let anyone forget her. How could you?

My precious angel: mommy, daddy, and little brother love you soo very much! <3

MIA

I havent posted much over here lately...my world is pretty much centered around bringing Austin into this world healthy at the moment. Its very scarey! Lots of anxiety and emotions as the DD approaches and just not knowing.

I cant wait to bring him out to Bella's resting place and reading to BOTH of my babies...1 watching over and the other in my arms.

I will be back to blogging over here some time...for now I will most likely be posting on www.waitingonourrainbow.blogspot.com


{Missing her always}

I wish you were here...

My favorite baby shower gift from my good friend Joy.

Maybe someday

I havent posted in a while. Not much has been going on besides getting ready to bring Austin into the world.

Ive been feeling okay, all things considered. My grief journey seemed to come to a halt...or maybe this is just part of moving forward. I havent been "sad" lately. Ive been able to talk about Bella with a smile on my face and the last time I cried was most likely Christmas (that I can vivdly remember being super upset) altho I know ive cried atleast once since then. I feel a major meltdown coming on tho...

We got Austin's room close to being done besides a few little details..decor and such. I sat in there after we moved in the furniture and thats when I started to get really anxious. It really started to sink in that I wont always just be pregnant. We got pregnant in the hopes that we'll get to bring him home.  Will we get to bring him home?? or will it be another empty nursery we just have to change again?? Its still weird going from pink to brown and sage and boy. Im very excited about just having a healthy baby but its totally different this time around. Gender aside, I cant wait to be able to breathe one day. This anxiety is no fun.

Another thing im ready to be over with is envy. Im not jealous, but I AM envious of moms who get to keep their little girls. So many people I know have girls or are expecting girls and I just wish that one day it wont sting so bad when I hear about their girls or the excitment of expecting one.

So, im just envious right now (repeat; NOT jealous, I dont want YOUR girl(s) or life) I just wish I didnt have to "lose" mine. Maybe someday ill get to experience what life will be like with a little girl around...

Maybe someday it wont sting so bad...




(Btw my mini meltdown didnt even wait until I finished this post...thank you blogger for letting me get my emotions out, maybe I need to get back to blogging on the regular!)

The Truth

 The Truth