Missing Her

What a horrible start to 2010...being away from home for the holidays and Bella passing started things off on a bad note. After her funeral, I just sat at home and cried for days. In the past 2 months I think theres only been 2 days where I didn't cry. We had 2 blizzards in 2 weeks, not counting the other snow storms weve had in between and after. On February 4th I went to Texas for abuelitas(ricardos gma) big 89th birthday party. I KNEW i wasn't ready to leave...especially by myself, but my sister insisted and so I went...stressed. On Friday we went to the San Antonio rodeo to see Lady Antebellum. We thought the concert was at 730 so we were ready for it, only to find out the RODEO started at 730 and the concert wasn't until 10! ugh. They were good and im sure I would have had a lot more fun if the situation was a little different and i was more myself. All in all it was a good time. The next day we went to Houston for the birthday party. My plane was supposed to leave Sunday morning at 7am...However it snowed ALL day Saturday and my flight ended up being cancelled. I was LIVID! After the birthday party we went to Miranda's house and we got on the phone to try and get me home...no luck. I was "stuck" in Houston for another night...so depressed. When you want to be somewhere and you cant, its the worst. Not saying I was around bad company, I just wanted to be home with Ryon. Monday morning came around and I was so excited-except the fact that I was getting sick!! I got a horrible stomach bug and got sick ALL day Tuesday and Wednesday was left with a fever and sore throat. Its slowly going away. I say its the stress, but the doctor said its been going around. We'll just say its a bit of both...so I FIANLLY made it to the doctor, 8 weeks after giving birth. I was so nervous and anxious I hardly slept the night before. I'm glad I finally went tho, it wasn't that bad...its just taking that first step. We talked a little about everything and she suggested I take another week or 2 off work and then try to go back. It will probably be good for me to go back to work, I'm just nervous...I will get thru it tho.

Valentines Day came around and Ryon and I just decided to keep it simple, no gifts or cards..just the company of each other. It was nice. We went to the store to buy stuff for dinner and picked up some flowers and a balloon for Bella and took it to her...as we were leaving the cemetery there was a little rainbow on top of a cloud...it was so pretty! Ive never seen that before...and it was awesome. When we got back to the house it was a little hard..just reflecting on growing up and how I used to look forward to waking up on Valentines Day to see what my mom got me...and how I looked forward to Bella being my Valentine and doing the same for her as my mom had done for me....

The other day I was sitting with Chloe looking out the window...thinking of my baby girl and how much I missed her...I was telling Chloe all about her and I saw a cloud in the sky that looked like Bella! It was as if she was laying down, with a bonnet on her head and it looked like she had her finger over her mouth as if she were saying shhh...as she had done in several pictures we have of her. I yelled for Ryon to come look quick! Just as soon as he got there the cloud had broken up... I was so bummed I didn't get to show him...but he will see her if he just looks for himself I suppose. I love little signs from her that Ive been getting, but each time I get one...it just leaves me wanting more!

I went in her room this morning, missing her, and opened a memory box they had given us at UVA and I found 2 baggies of hair with 2 little bows that they had saved for us from her 2 haircuts. The second I touched her hair I just broke down...I was finally touching a part of her and my heart got so heavy just remembering the last time I put my fingers through her hair...I cant even describe the feeling that came over me.

Anyway...

Looking for my next sign of Bella.

I love you BellaBear