Dear JUNE, please hurry...

SO...I went to the oral surgeon the other day after a course of antibiotics...

(which was given to me by a doctor who was in the delivery room when I was in labor and who started the practice I went to. AND who gave me my 20wk US when we found out we were having a girl...but didnt "remember" me...not that im upset about it or anything--ok that is SO besides the point...but it DID irritate me!)

I was thinking I could just go there and it would be a quick fix... HA! Do they not realize I have PLANS?!? We are on a schedule here people! I wasted a sick day just to sit there and have him tell me I needed to have my wisdom teeth taken out because 1 is sideways and the others just need to come out. He said it would be best to do it all in one shot, while i was asleep. GREAT! So my plans are on hold yet again. My appointment isnt until JUNE. That is a lifetime away when you are looking forward to starting to try for another baby.

I am on the list incase anyone cancels. SO anyone out there who has an appointment at WINC oral surgery...PLEASE CANCEL IMMEDIAETLY! (because patience is just not in my genes!)

Thank you :)



SO...the "plan" was to give ourselves a little time to grieve our first born daughter and start trying for another baby around September/October. You see, we wanted a May baby last year until we found out I was pregnant a little earlier than we had expected. SURPRISE. I got used to a December baby really quick! {Off for all the holidays, not having to leave in the nasty cold, more time with Ryon and being snuggled up with our new baby girl ALL winter...or atleast for 6 weeks!} Well, as we know God had another plan for sweet Bella, and one we will have to learn to live with for the rest of our lives...

We spent 9 months talking about everything we were going to do with her and pretty much planned her life out before she arrived. After her passing...we were CRUSHED...left with ALL these plans and no baby to watch grow and see all of our dreams and plans come to life. Some women cant bear the thought of getting pregnant again for fear of losing another child...and some cant stop thinking about having another baby. I am the woman that cant stop thinking about having a baby. All the "advice" we got was to wait... We took the advice and decided to wait and thought our trip to Hawaii in October would be perfect! Thinking about it makes me SOOO excited. After talking about it I thought, why wait? Who cares what month the baby is born in, who cares if im preggo when we go to Hawaii?! Its not like waiting will make me miss Bella any less or bring her back. So to hell with waiting...were making a baby! LOL. Ok, so maybe not RIGHT this second, there are a few things we'd like to take care of first, BUT I am so excited to get pregnant again!

I can't wait to:

*put some of my feelings in my previous post to rest once I have a healthy baby to call my own
*see 2 lines on the pregnancy test(and yes, I stocked up again)
*hear the heartbeat--Im sure ill get a monitor this time so I can hear it whenever I want!
*the first ultrasound<3
*feeling the first flutter...and then all the kicks and punches!
*DELIVERING, I know its crazy right, but I cant wait to be in LABOR. Going natural again has crossed my mind and its something I would totally do again
*Hearing baby for the first time. Ah, its like music :) Bella had the loudest scream, not just a cry...and it was wonderful
*Instead of a baby shower, I will have a "Welcome Home Baby" celebration, and I cant wait for that day...

...theres so many more things I can't wait for...

However, things change, plans change...so we will just have to WAIT and see what happens!


I Feel...

My body feels numb.

I feel SO heavy, like I weigh 1000lbs.

When I feel Bella's presence I am overwhelmed with sadness and my heart feels so broken. I want so bad to be able to touch her sweet face. When I'm having a really bad day, I go in her room to talk to her and hold her snuggie. I know she hangs out in there because when I hold it, it feels heavy. I also love to get out her little baggie of hair and touch it..so soft.

Occasionally I will see images...maybe I'm imagining, maybe shes here and sometimes shows herself but i cant SEE her. I don't know. I want a CLEAR crisp image of Bella..not a blur or a "was that..."?
I close my eyes and imagine seeing her as a little girl...bleach blond hair like Ryon and I both had as little ones, an angelic-like baby with a wide smile and bright eyes...i think she might have had hazel eyes...more blue though...but a touch of green...she would have had a good combo of both of us! When I daydream of her i feel so warm, but then I open my eyes and its back to reality. Cold, Dark, Lonely...Silent. I listen, hoping to hear something, ANYTHING! A cry, a coo, a giggle. Instead I get the sound of my cries.

I feel like I cant wish, dream or hope anymore. All of those things I had envisioned or wished for, for Bella, were suddenly gone...never to come true. My future is changed. If I wish for something-will it be given to me, only to be taken away also? When I do wish, I make sure its something that I don't care if it comes true or not, for fear that it wont..or I will be left broken hearted.

I feel ISOLATED. I feel sad and lonely, even though I'm not alone. My heart was ripped out of my chest when my daughter died. I don't want to have fun, I don't want to laugh, or smile and mean it. I feel like a fraud. I have become pretty good at hiding. I realize the world still goes round and I must as well. On the outside I may seem OK..maybe even good(which is what usually comes out when you ask how I am) Well, that's a lie. I am a walking zombie, in a daze. I think of Bella 24/7, I'm crying inside constantly and i am NOT OK and definitely NOT good.

JEALOUSY. This is such a horrible thing that has come with losing Bella. I am so so jealous and I cant do anything about it no matter how hard I try. I am jealous of other moms. I am jealous they get to hold their babies. I and jealous they get to take their baby for a walk in their stroller. I am jealous they get to give their baby a bath. I and jealous they got to have the feeling of "bringing home baby" I am jealous they get to kiss their baby and tell them how much they love them. I am jealous they get to go fun places like the zoo, the park, babies r us, and all the cute baby clothes stores and buy things for their babies. I am jealous they get to take their baby to see Santa, the Easter bunny, etc. I am jealous they get to dress their baby. I am jealous, because I cant have any of these things with BELLA. Sure, eventually we will hopefully be blessed with another child. BUT I wanted to do all these things and more with my first baby, my DAUGHTER, who I dreamed about and wished for my whole life.

Excluded. Because I have an angel baby, and not a baby to take care of, i feel left out. This also goes along with jealousy...but at the same time i just am not ready to be around that.

TORN. I feel torn because I know a lot of people with babies. I don't want to miss their babies milestones and miss watching them grow up.
Bella was the middle cousin of the NEW babies in the family. My sister in law Brandon had my nephew, Hunter, in September. They live close by and we were SO excited there was an older boy around her age that when they were older, would watch out for her. My other (might-as-well-be) sister in law had a girl, Hannah, in January...the day before Bella died. I still have not seen her. They were going to be BEST cousins, and her big sister Abby was going to be the protector and the teacher. If theres any babies i want to be around right now, its them...I just cant bring myself to feel THAT pain that will come.

I Feel like I want to fast forward life to when everything is OKAY...

I feel silly reading to her everyday at her grave..not knowing if she is listening or not. Her body is there but she is very much at home with us. I dont like not going there though...its one of the only things I can do to be a parent, visit my childs grave. I just want to PARENT. Cleaning her marker, bringing her flowers and toys and bottles and reading to a stone is NOT what I dreamed of when I dreamed for a child...

I feel like I HAVE to do something to keep her memory alive. I feel like I have to work hard so people dont forget her

She is special girl and EVERYONE should know her...and never forget her.

I feel SO drained.