"Fly" Celine Dion

Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless Journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace all one word
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet.

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly, where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light.


busy busy busy

It seems like that's how things have been lately. I am ready for a break!!

Ryon's dad came out from CA to surprise Ryon for his birthday on May 14Th. He was supposed to get in at 730pm on the 13Th and we were going to surprise him at work...buut he got delayed, twice!(***lesson, always fly United!...he made the mistake of flying American lol) So he didn't get to our house until 130am! Ryon had came to bed already...and boy was he shocked to wake up and find his dad standing in our doorway, HA! wish I had my camera ready for that..and the "what the hell are you doing here!?" response. It was great. Friday we went to MiDeg and had a nice dinner with the three of us and my mom came up from VA. Then off the work they went. On Saturday Ry, his dad, Andy, and Chad had a nice golf outing and on Sunday we just cooked out and relaxed. I stressed way more than I should have! oh well, it all worked out!

His dad went back home on Monday...and then more busy-ness!

On Tuesday we took a "dance lesson" and we learned the modified foxtrot. HA! It was a joke. Ryon ended up teaching more than the instructor, and she didn't like that too much. She even told him she wasn't going to share her fee with him so he better leave the teaching to her. Maybe if his mom and dad understood her he would have...but apparently he did a better job! :) that's my husband!

Wednesday I had to run here, there, and everywhere to try and find a dress for my sister-in-law's wedding on Saturday....finally settled on a simple black dress. Totally not what i wanted but it worked.

Thursday the other sister-in-law's came in...BJ from Florida and Devon from CA. When I got off work we went and got pedicures and then went out to dinner. Good time.

Friday I got off a little early so I could go to Brandon's rehearsal dinner...and afterwards we all went to the fire hall where they rehearsed and we decorated.

.May 22. OH HAPPY DAY!

The wedding day finally arrived! We went out to huntfield to take pictures and then off to the fire hall! It turned out to be a beautiful wedding.

[Brandon wanted a courthouse thing--as did I--and I'm sure she feels the same as me that shes glad it turned out the way it did!]

She was a lovely bride and TJ looked nice all dressed up!

During the ceremony Aunt Sandy sang while they lit a unity candle and then a candle in memory of Bella...aaand the flood gates opened. I was holding Hunter, and I think he helped me hold it together a little, my arms weren't completely empty. The songs, the prayers, they were all hard to listen to and watch and I could have cried forever. I was so excited when they were getting married and how I was going to dress her up all cute and everyone was going to be together...it just was such an empty feeling and bittersweet day.

I had a good time and it was nice being around everyone. Going home wasn't so nice. It was pouring down rain, Ryon was working, and the house was again...cold, dark, and lonely. So quiet. I spent quite a while in Bella's room sobbing. The tear times aren't as often but when they come...you better watch out for the flood! I think that was the first time I actually cried out to God. I told him how angry I was. How its not fair that even during such a happy time, I'm soo sad. I came up with the great idea of taking pictures with her bear. I'm obsessed with wanting to see "her" so every time I take pictures I look for orbs. I don't know why I do this...I know shes there, but seeing a spot on a picture makes me smile and confirms what I already knew. Its so strange.

Anyway...Sunday we went to Ginza, a japanese steakhouse for dinner before BJ, Aunt Sandy, and Jilli went home. One last hoorah! I can only speak for myself but boy am I glad all the festivities are over!

Next UP...

wisdom teeth removal, father's day, our 1 year anniversary, and...maybe baby?! only time will tell...but when that happens, I think it'll be our little secret for a while ;)


MOD Walk & Mother's Day

Last weekend was exhausting to say the least. I've read in the grief books that it can be exhausting but hadn't really experienced it until then! Saturday was the walk and we woke up to dark clouds, rain, and it was SO windy. I cried pretty much the whole way to the park and then when I got there and saw my nephew in his shirt for Bella, the tears flowed again. I was able to get it together and when the walk started, the clouds and wind went away and it was perfect. It was a 3 mile walk...but I was ready to do it all over again when it was done!

I raised over $500 and our team raised over $13,000! Great job BCT :)

Joy, Myself and Izabell...with Marina, Brandon, and Hunter behind us

The shirts that our team wore

When we got home from the walk there was an edible arrangement waiting, from my lovely mother and mother in law...and it was yummy :)

They both went to the Children's Memorial Service at UVA which was at 2pm the same day. I plan on attending next year but this year I settled for a video of it! I slept most of the day Saturday and Sunday so it wasn't as bad of a weekend as I was anticipating.

(hanging out at the cemetery with Bella & her heartbeat bear on Mothers Day)

On Monday I walked into work to find this picture that Joy drew me for Mother's Day...(I accidentally saw it before the walk...which is 1 reason I cried the whole way to the park!)

Ryon got me stargazer lilies and our living room smells amazing...but the picture was by far the best mothers day present.

4 month angelversary

So thats what they call it.

Well I am "they" now.

WE are a strong, amazing, wonderful group of people...but not a group you would ever WANT to be a part of. It is so nice to have people who have been there or are going through it, to talk to, who understand all the feelings. It is one crazy ride I tell ya. One minute you think you are doing good, and the next you are crying your eyes out asking if it will ever get easier.

So it seems every month I dread the 12th and the 21st...for obvious reasons. I always sit and wonder what she would look like, sound like, what kind of personality she would have...and on her dates im just reminded of how old she would have been. Milestones are the hardest. I know it will get easier to deal with, but the pain in my heart will never go away. Unless you have held your lifeless child in your arms, you have NO idea. I would never wish that upon ANYONE. Sometimes it seems like its all just a dream...like, did that REALLY happen?? I just doesnt seem real at times. Was I really pregnant? Did I really give birth? Did we really have a daughter for 22 days, just to let her go be with Jesus? Sometimes I wonder how in the world I walked out of the hospital that cold morning in January...I really WALKED? I remember kissing her hands and her feet and her cheek...and WALKING away. How does anyone walk away? The body that I left was Bella's, but her spirit was with us as we left...she was with us as we walked out of the hospital.

Im still trying to figure out just how to continue our relationship as mother and daughter. Its very confusing. She will always be my daughter and we will always have this special bond, but how do you continue your relationship with your dead child?? I go to her grave, I bring her things, I clean her stone, I read to her, sing to her, talk to her, I go in her room and rock in her chair with her heartbeat bear...but I want to do more for her. But WHAT?

I feel like I have closure...I know shes gone, I know shes not coming back. Ive accepted it. Im sad...and thats that. But people throw out this word "closure". Its not final...Bella will always live in my heart and she will always be a huge part of my life. So what is closure all about??? Ah, oh well. In the end, I dont care what people think, I will just do what FEELS right.

"Happy" 4 month Angelversary my beautiful Bella. Mommy loves you.