I Have Met You

By Skylar M Hulse

I miss you I say

"How is that?" They ask.

I met her one day in Heaven

She was guiding my way.

She tapped me on the shoulder

And said, "Mommy

needed me to come."

She brought me to the light

and told me my life had begun.

Then went to Mommy's hand

and held it very tight.

She whispered in her ear,

"Here's a gift for you so bright."

I met my big sister.

We were hand in hand.

Then she hugged and kissed me

I miss her. Now do you understand?

This poem was in the Healing Hearts newsletter that I get every month or every other month it seems. It was written by a 10 1/2 year old girl about her sister...who died almost 1 year before she was born. I read it around the time I found out I was pregnant and was wondering if this baby will get to meet Bella or what this baby will think of their big sister in Heaven..and it gave me chills! Just makes you wonder....and put a smile on my face.


Lately ive been obsessing about the new baby. I felt some flutters, starting at 9 weeks!  Ive been so pessimistic and every other day I think its all a dream or something bad is going to happen. I think that was God's little way of saying have faith! Its hard some days.

I get my hopes up and then I bring myself back to reality by saying to myself "you know it could happen again" or "its still early you could always have a miscarriage". I hate that I think this way...no one could say anything to change that either, it is what it is.

I found the perrrrfect bedroom/crib set for a boy. My heart was set on having another little girl, now I think im leaning more towards boy, or atleast its 50/50 (for now)..for those that know me that might sound crazy. I dont even have any ideas on howd id do another little girls room! Im just ready to find out! October is going to be a GOOOD month (we pray its all good news so we can have an awesome time in HAWAII!) :)

I really want to get started on the babys room. I dont want to keep calling it "Bella's room"...so I try to just call it "the nursery". I think im finally ready to find a place for her things and start to change it up a bit. I dont want to just put her things away where they will never be seen...so I thought about getting some type of chest of some sort for our living room and collecting angels and put her pictures and such on top with her things inside. Ive thought about sorting through other things, and also need to sell her crib bedding/hamper/valance and want to do it sooner rather than later. I just dont want to be overwhelmed or have feelings of guilt if I wait till later.  

Anyway, the countdown continues...30 more weeks, I suppose theres a little time to get things done ;)



The other night I had a dream (one of about a million)....

I got off work and went to the cemetary to visit Bella as usual but when I got closer to her spot(I go in the back entrance) there was a funeral going on right beside her. I couldnt get to her because there were so many people and tons of cars. I ended up reversing all the way out and going home. End dream. (So dramatic, I know! LoL)

Well...the next day (reality) I went to the cemetary just as I do everyday on my way home from work. When I pulled up to her I saw they had dug a spot right next to her that wasnt there the day before. 

Gave me chills!

Did they disturb her when they were digging? What do they do with her stuff when theres a funeral going on and they have to put up the tent and chairs? Anyway...

Wondering who this person is that is about to be laid to rest next to my baby...


8 down 32 to go

I know before I got pregnant I said I wouldnt complain about a THING. Well thats easier said than done. Im trying to embrace this pregnancy and enjoy it, but its so hard when your constantly hugging the toilet and feeling so out of it.

For those that were around when I was pregnant with Bella know that I was sick the entire 9 months (with the exception of a few weeks around the 7th month). I would take that sickness over this any day...I had an actual schedule and only a few times was it food that came up.

Round 2: In the beginning I was hungier than usual, no sickness...and I knew for sure it was a boy! Haha...that didnt last long.

The "morning" sickness came full force around 5/6 weeks. This time however, food is coming up...EVERYTHING that goes down...comes up it seems {I know, TMI) but its horrible! Once something comes up I cant eat it again for a looooong time. So ive come to dispise eating. MY BABY NEEDS FOOD!!

Also, if it couldnt get worse...ive developed lactose intolerance. Whaaat?! So no more ice cream, milk, cheese, sour cream....pretty much everything I looove! 

On top of the sickness, I was transfered to a practice that I do NOT want to go to. I dont have any other options tho. The doctor I really wanted considered it too high risk...um thats not what was said when I met with her. Just really bummed out about it. Feeling a little betrayed.

Helllllo Maryann....YOUR PREGNANT! The alternative is much worse. I would much rather be going through these obsticles than not being pregnant and counting down the days until I could be...

So im trying really hard to stay positive, and I dont mean to complain {im only human right??} Well No more complaining for me...

I really am so thankful and feel sooo blessed to be carrying my little bean. I just want to fast forward and meet this little person. Is it a he or she? What will they look like, will they resemble Bella at all? What will that first moment be like? Im really anxious and ready to find out that we have a healthy baby...and we get to keep him/her here with us.

Im just ready to be MOM.


Oh boy.....or girl?

Well, we did it again...(literally)...and IM PREGNANT!!!!!!!

I cant even begin to tell you how excited I am. I am thrilled more than you could ever imagine. Those thoughts dont come alone tho, its followed by fear and anxiety.

(And LOTS of tears both of joy and sadness)

I wish I could be carefree and nieve with not a single worry or stress like it was with Bella...but for us parents whove lost a child, saddly we are robbed of that blissful pregnancy.

This baby is just as much as a blessing as Bella was and I cant wait for the heartburn, frequent trips to the bathroom, the kicks and punches, the sound of the heartbeat, extreme rib pain....all of it....i will try my best to embrace every second and cherish all those moments, even the uncomfortable ones.

One of my biggest concerns is that people will talk about Bella even less with the second baby on the way. NOTE: talking about Bella is a good thing. This baby will in no way replace our little angel and its ok to still talk about her. She was the first person I went to and we talk about baby and being a big sister from heaven. She will watch over all of us and I know when time comes for baby to make his/her entrance...she will be there cheering me on and will make sure he/she is safe. We are aware that ACD is a possibilty again, and thats a risk we are willing to take. If this baby has the same fate as Bella...then we know he/she will be in the best company.

So please, save your congratulations for when we bring home a healthy baby. We welcome prayers and encouragement for what will be a long 9 months...


My sweet baby Bella

Here it is August already... it's been almost 7 months since you became an angel. I cant imagine you as a 7 month old...I say that every month. Its still hard to look at babies when I feel you should be amongst them, its still not fair, nor will it ever be.

Time has passed so quick, yet it feels like an eternity since you took your last breath in our arms. I dont feel the heaviness in my arms like I used to. The smells arent fresh and I dont hear the beeping alarms except on rare occasions. I miss those things that used to make me so upset.

I miss you terribly. I miss your soft chubby cheeks and cute little nose, I miss the way you nuzzled your head on my chest, and the way you slept so peacefully in my arms right after your were born. I miss watching your toes wiggle and the way you squeezed my finger so tight right before you left. I will never forget those moments. You brought so much joy to my life and youve tought me so much in such a short time.

Oh Bella, there are some days I dont want to get out of bed, but you have given me so much strength to go on and so I keep putting one foot infront of the other until I get to be reunited with you. Everytime I think I cant, I think of you. You were such a little fighter and an inspiration and I pull my strength from your memory and the fight you put up. Its so amazing how such a tiny little baby can make such a difference.

Im soooo proud to be your mommy...and I will treasure our memories together forever <3

I think of you often, miss you, and love you even more than the day you came into our lives.

I love you baby girl.