As many of you know I work at a bank. Before I came back I was sooo anxious, not knowing what to expect. My wonderful manager let me stay in the drivethru for 4 months. Before I went back inside I got "are you going to stay out there forever?!" (A lottttt) I really wasn't ready to go inside but I let people get in my head and thought, I guess I should start the rotation again and give others time away from the lobby.
The first day back inside I was literally sick to my stomach(a few times!) And I cried quite a bit, all before we even opened! I thought, I really need to find a new job, one that involves a cubical and no people interation! I even hyped myself up about another bank job, and asked about it, but my SIL works there. I knew I couldnt work with her, but when HR told me that...I got sooo angry.
Anyhow, back to the first day...a few people asked about Bella and I couldnt hold back the tears. I know most people mean well, but after someone tells you her daughter died, would you seriously ask her about another girls baby??! That first day I went home feeling pretty beat up. I hung a picture in my window a few days later with her dates, but people ignore those...instead its a lot of "is that your baby?" Or "aw what a cute baby!" Heres a good one..."aw, she was born right before christmas...and the second date, thats when the picture was taken?" Wow.
Here was a conversation that left me blown..
guy:(talking about my angel necklace) "your an angel arent you?" Me: "uh,yeah"
guy:"ha,when youre sleeping right"
Me:"sure..actually its my daughter"
guy:"oh ya how old is she"
Me:"she passed away when she was 22 days old"
Guy:"22 days wow, she picked it out all by herself??"
Me:(look of confusion)"she passed away"
Guy:"oh..well thats life right"
Me:"yeah, i guess?...have a good day"
I didnt know what to think after he left.
A lot of times I see them looking...about to say something, and bow their head, or give me that dreaded look. You know exactly what theyre thinking. When I see people look, my heart races..are they going to ask? Am i going to have to say the dreaded words? The customers that have asked, and come to me again, I feel always want to go to anyone but me...not thaat girl. I DO like when people ask...and then ask what happened and want to talk about it. I love talking about her. I hate saying she passed away and stopping there...and feeling bad for telling them. I want to tell every detail about every second of her life. Of course I dont unless they ask. So far ive been able to talk about her 2 times. Those customers made my day.
Ive been in a weird place lately. The time is going soo fast yet so slow. In a few days Bella would have been 7 months old. I wonder constantly what shed be like. Its so hard to imagine her older.
Not too long ago I was feeling really disconnected...I thought if I ignored my grief it would go away...it would be done with. I felt like I was stuck and I couldnt move forward without her. I also wasn't feeling her presence like I had been and I felt abandoned.
I went to bed one night and before I awoke I had a dream Bella was with me. She was laying on my chest in bed and I was stroking her back when I felt her wings. They were spread out and so beautiful...too beautiful for words. Just as I felt them, I tucked them back in. I woke up with the warmest feeling, my chest still felt weighed down...and then she was gone. My warm happy feeling turned to sadness when my reality set in. I felt connected to her again tho...and that brought a smile to my face. I know that wasnt a dream, she was really there letting me know she is never too far away...
When im having a really bad day, I watch the dvd from right after she was born. Its only a few seconds but I rewind, rewind, and rewind again(cutting it off right before the scary, loud clip of the helicopter taking off). Then I close my eyes and replay the dream in my head from when she visited me with her beautiful wings.
I still have my memories, but as the days go on they seem to fade. Don't they offer something to keep them fresh?! I dont ever want to feel disconnected again.
I miss you beautiful angel, mommy loves you always and forever.