Disconnected

Ive been in a weird place lately. The time is going soo fast yet so slow. In a few days Bella would have been 7 months old. I wonder constantly what shed be like. Its so hard to imagine her older. 

Not too long ago I was feeling really disconnected...I thought if I ignored my grief it would go away...it would be done with. I felt like I was stuck and I couldnt move forward without her. I also wasn't feeling her presence like I had been and I felt abandoned.

I went to bed one night and before I awoke I had a dream Bella was with me. She was laying on my chest in bed and I was stroking her back when I felt her wings. They were spread out and so beautiful...too beautiful for words. Just as I felt them, I tucked them back in. I woke up with the warmest feeling, my chest still felt weighed down...and then she was gone. My warm happy feeling turned to sadness when my reality set in. I felt connected to her again tho...and that brought a smile to my face. I know that wasnt a dream, she was really there letting me know she is never too far away...

When im having a really bad day, I watch the dvd from right after she was born. Its only a few seconds but I rewind, rewind, and rewind again(cutting it off right before the scary, loud clip of the helicopter taking off). Then I close my eyes and replay the dream in my head from when she visited me with her beautiful wings.

I still have my memories, but as the days go on they seem to fade. Don't they offer something to keep them fresh?! I dont ever want to feel disconnected again.

I miss you beautiful angel, mommy loves you always and forever.