My Mom is a Survivor

 My mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.

But I can hear her crying
when all others are in bed.

...I watch her lay awake at night.
and go to hold her hand.

She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.

But like the sands upon a beach
that never wash away...

I watch over my surviving mom
who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others,
a smile of disguise.

But through Heaven's open door,
I see tears flowing from her eyes.

My mom tries to cope with my death,
to keep my memory alive.

But anyone who knows her
knows it's her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom
through Heaven's open door...

I try to tell her that
Angel protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn't help her,
or ease the burdens she bears.

So if you get a chance, call to her
And show her that you care.

For no matter what she feels,
my surviving mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.

~K. D'Ormeaux


I started following this precious little boy Miller's journey about a week ago (colecrews.blogspot.com) I went back and read the previous posts and then a few days later I found out he had gone to Heaven. I have been SO sad the past few days. It just brought it all back and reading about him has made our loss seem so fresh.

Bella has been on my mind constantly...she always is but lately its hit me especially hard. The tears flow like you wouldnt even believe and Im starting to feel stuck again. I know this is going to happen forever until I can be with her again but I just wish it didnt hurt so bad.

Watching this video...it feels like yesterday.

One thing ive been thinking about that I wish we did differently...I wish we chose to see her one last time at the funeral home. A lot of things about that dont sit well with me and I wonder a lot. I feel like if we got to hold her one last time there, I would have more closure. Obviously I cant go back and do it all over but if i could thats one thing I would have done regardless of what I was told it would be like if I did...


{Happy} Father's Day

So how are you supposed to be happy on days that youre reminded theres someone missing? (Not that we dont think of her EVERDAY but these days are especially difficult)

Sure we have a beautiful healthy baby at home and for that we are thankful, but it still hurts that SHE is missing (in body). Especially when people say ignorant things or dont even acknowledge her existance. For Ryon it was the comments...(and on Mothers Day it was the latter) When people say things like "happy first fathers day!" It stings. Its actually his second thankyouverymuch. Because shes not here does that mean hes not a father to her? Absolutely not! She lived. Even if she didnt, she existed. She has a father and just because shes no longer living doesnt mean his duty as her father is over too. She lives within our hearts and for as long as we are living her memory will too and I wont let anyone forget her. How could you?

My precious angel: mommy, daddy, and little brother love you soo very much! <3