Well I am "they" now.
WE are a strong, amazing, wonderful group of people...but not a group you would ever WANT to be a part of. It is so nice to have people who have been there or are going through it, to talk to, who understand all the feelings. It is one crazy ride I tell ya. One minute you think you are doing good, and the next you are crying your eyes out asking if it will ever get easier.
So it seems every month I dread the 12th and the 21st...for obvious reasons. I always sit and wonder what she would look like, sound like, what kind of personality she would have...and on her dates im just reminded of how old she would have been. Milestones are the hardest. I know it will get easier to deal with, but the pain in my heart will never go away. Unless you have held your lifeless child in your arms, you have NO idea. I would never wish that upon ANYONE. Sometimes it seems like its all just a dream...like, did that REALLY happen?? I just doesnt seem real at times. Was I really pregnant? Did I really give birth? Did we really have a daughter for 22 days, just to let her go be with Jesus? Sometimes I wonder how in the world I walked out of the hospital that cold morning in January...I really WALKED? I remember kissing her hands and her feet and her cheek...and WALKING away. How does anyone walk away? The body that I left was Bella's, but her spirit was with us as we left...she was with us as we walked out of the hospital.
Im still trying to figure out just how to continue our relationship as mother and daughter. Its very confusing. She will always be my daughter and we will always have this special bond, but how do you continue your relationship with your dead child?? I go to her grave, I bring her things, I clean her stone, I read to her, sing to her, talk to her, I go in her room and rock in her chair with her heartbeat bear...but I want to do more for her. But WHAT?
I feel like I have closure...I know shes gone, I know shes not coming back. Ive accepted it. Im sad...and thats that. But people throw out this word "closure". Its not final...Bella will always live in my heart and she will always be a huge part of my life. So what is closure all about??? Ah, oh well. In the end, I dont care what people think, I will just do what FEELS right.
"Happy" 4 month Angelversary my beautiful Bella. Mommy loves you.
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