I Feel...

My body feels numb.

I feel SO heavy, like I weigh 1000lbs.

When I feel Bella's presence I am overwhelmed with sadness and my heart feels so broken. I want so bad to be able to touch her sweet face. When I'm having a really bad day, I go in her room to talk to her and hold her snuggie. I know she hangs out in there because when I hold it, it feels heavy. I also love to get out her little baggie of hair and touch it..so soft.

Occasionally I will see images...maybe I'm imagining, maybe shes here and sometimes shows herself but i cant SEE her. I don't know. I want a CLEAR crisp image of Bella..not a blur or a "was that..."?
I close my eyes and imagine seeing her as a little girl...bleach blond hair like Ryon and I both had as little ones, an angelic-like baby with a wide smile and bright eyes...i think she might have had hazel eyes...more blue though...but a touch of green...she would have had a good combo of both of us! When I daydream of her i feel so warm, but then I open my eyes and its back to reality. Cold, Dark, Lonely...Silent. I listen, hoping to hear something, ANYTHING! A cry, a coo, a giggle. Instead I get the sound of my cries.

I feel like I cant wish, dream or hope anymore. All of those things I had envisioned or wished for, for Bella, were suddenly gone...never to come true. My future is changed. If I wish for something-will it be given to me, only to be taken away also? When I do wish, I make sure its something that I don't care if it comes true or not, for fear that it wont..or I will be left broken hearted.

I feel ISOLATED. I feel sad and lonely, even though I'm not alone. My heart was ripped out of my chest when my daughter died. I don't want to have fun, I don't want to laugh, or smile and mean it. I feel like a fraud. I have become pretty good at hiding. I realize the world still goes round and I must as well. On the outside I may seem OK..maybe even good(which is what usually comes out when you ask how I am) Well, that's a lie. I am a walking zombie, in a daze. I think of Bella 24/7, I'm crying inside constantly and i am NOT OK and definitely NOT good.

JEALOUSY. This is such a horrible thing that has come with losing Bella. I am so so jealous and I cant do anything about it no matter how hard I try. I am jealous of other moms. I am jealous they get to hold their babies. I and jealous they get to take their baby for a walk in their stroller. I am jealous they get to give their baby a bath. I and jealous they got to have the feeling of "bringing home baby" I am jealous they get to kiss their baby and tell them how much they love them. I am jealous they get to go fun places like the zoo, the park, babies r us, and all the cute baby clothes stores and buy things for their babies. I am jealous they get to take their baby to see Santa, the Easter bunny, etc. I am jealous they get to dress their baby. I am jealous, because I cant have any of these things with BELLA. Sure, eventually we will hopefully be blessed with another child. BUT I wanted to do all these things and more with my first baby, my DAUGHTER, who I dreamed about and wished for my whole life.

Excluded. Because I have an angel baby, and not a baby to take care of, i feel left out. This also goes along with jealousy...but at the same time i just am not ready to be around that.

TORN. I feel torn because I know a lot of people with babies. I don't want to miss their babies milestones and miss watching them grow up.
Bella was the middle cousin of the NEW babies in the family. My sister in law Brandon had my nephew, Hunter, in September. They live close by and we were SO excited there was an older boy around her age that when they were older, would watch out for her. My other (might-as-well-be) sister in law had a girl, Hannah, in January...the day before Bella died. I still have not seen her. They were going to be BEST cousins, and her big sister Abby was going to be the protector and the teacher. If theres any babies i want to be around right now, its them...I just cant bring myself to feel THAT pain that will come.

I Feel like I want to fast forward life to when everything is OKAY...

I feel silly reading to her everyday at her grave..not knowing if she is listening or not. Her body is there but she is very much at home with us. I dont like not going there though...its one of the only things I can do to be a parent, visit my childs grave. I just want to PARENT. Cleaning her marker, bringing her flowers and toys and bottles and reading to a stone is NOT what I dreamed of when I dreamed for a child...

I feel like I HAVE to do something to keep her memory alive. I feel like I have to work hard so people dont forget her

She is special girl and EVERYONE should know her...and never forget her.

I feel SO drained.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Maryann! That was really sad, but I so understand all that you're going through...
    Your heart is broken and although it can be mended, it'll never be the same. It's not fair. Not at all. To this day, I still feel that jealously when I hear other moms-to-be talk about their plans when their baby comes home. Especailly those first time moms. We had all those plans too, before they were suddenly taken from us...