Slacker

Ive really been slacking in the blog department lately. Im just in a weird spot right now. I used to have SO much to say, so much going through my head. I dont know if its the sleep deprevaton or the not wanting everyone to know every little detail. (I never ended up making my blog private, altho im still considering it if I start blogging more!)

2 years ago I let Bella go. If you would have showed me how life is now I wouldnt have believed you. Its great...but theres ALWAYS that void. My grief is at a standstill it feels. 2 years isnt nearly enough time to work thru the loss of a child. Maybe its been on pause since ive had Austin. I just dont have time to cry...to have me time. Quite frankly im ok with that, but I do feel guilty sometimes. For the first year I went to the cemetary every.single.day. Even when it rained or snowed. I read to her there, I felt close to her. It was a "happy" place where I "enjoyed" my girl time. Just me and her. Now, I dont particulary like going there. I do it ocasionally on my way home from work but its not part of my routine anymore. I dont keep up with it like I should. She doesnt get the fresh flowers like she used to. She deserves so much more. You can say "oh she doesnt care..." or "shed rather you blah blah blah" but really...I dont know. Guilty.

So now, im sort of in denial...it didnt really happy did it? I really had a GIRL?  She really died? Hm. The grief process doesnt go in order...you can skip around here, there, and everywhere and I am doing just that.

And it didnt help that some didnt "remember". Those that I expected to or should have didnt. Maybe I expect too much...I mean it has been 2 years. 2 years is a LONG time...enough time to "get over it". Right. It sucks once a new baby comes along suddenly people forget the past and just concentrate on the living child. The long awaited child. Well he doesnt take the place of her. She still should be remembered. Especially on days like her birthday...christmas...her angel day....EVERYDAY.

Anyway.

I am now taking my vacation the week of Bella's birthday. MY own little holiday. It doesnt hurt that its the week of Christmas. You know there really isnt any relaxing...but 1 year. Its just nice to not have to focus on work. Ryon took the mini to the gym in the mornings so I had an hour or 2 to relax.....er....clean-ish and get Christmas presents wrapped.

So on Bella's birthday last year I made treat bags with cupcakes. This year I made treat bags with disgusting cake batter truffles. It was a disaster recipe...lol (thank you pinterest for ruining it!!!)

We sent her balloons and then went to breakfast. Theres no way I would have gone to eat last year after the cemetary. But this year I didnt cry (except for a few tears when I woke up). We went home afterwards and just enjoyed our little guy...just the 3 of us. We got a petite coldstone cake for her also. It was nice...but odd. Just a big fat void.

We also got her the precious moments little girl with the "2". Its another little tradititon...her birthday gift.

Christmas came and it was quite different from last year. We were busy chasing around our rambunctious 9 month old but still that void was there. I just wish for 1 second Christmas could feel the way it used to. Its just not the same...

(and no special ornament to remember her in 2011...super bummed about that but life goes on)

We are getting ready to celebrate Bella's 2 year angelversary next week and we will send the usual purple balloons and go to Chillis. (And hopefully be making some amaaazing kolaches!!) ;)

I hope she gets them and my note telling her how much i love her and miss her and how I cant wait to hold her in my arms again...