Maybe someday

I havent posted in a while. Not much has been going on besides getting ready to bring Austin into the world.

Ive been feeling okay, all things considered. My grief journey seemed to come to a halt...or maybe this is just part of moving forward. I havent been "sad" lately. Ive been able to talk about Bella with a smile on my face and the last time I cried was most likely Christmas (that I can vivdly remember being super upset) altho I know ive cried atleast once since then. I feel a major meltdown coming on tho...

We got Austin's room close to being done besides a few little details..decor and such. I sat in there after we moved in the furniture and thats when I started to get really anxious. It really started to sink in that I wont always just be pregnant. We got pregnant in the hopes that we'll get to bring him home.  Will we get to bring him home?? or will it be another empty nursery we just have to change again?? Its still weird going from pink to brown and sage and boy. Im very excited about just having a healthy baby but its totally different this time around. Gender aside, I cant wait to be able to breathe one day. This anxiety is no fun.

Another thing im ready to be over with is envy. Im not jealous, but I AM envious of moms who get to keep their little girls. So many people I know have girls or are expecting girls and I just wish that one day it wont sting so bad when I hear about their girls or the excitment of expecting one.

So, im just envious right now (repeat; NOT jealous, I dont want YOUR girl(s) or life) I just wish I didnt have to "lose" mine. Maybe someday ill get to experience what life will be like with a little girl around...

Maybe someday it wont sting so bad...

(Btw my mini meltdown didnt even wait until I finished this post...thank you blogger for letting me get my emotions out, maybe I need to get back to blogging on the regular!)

1 comment:

  1. Envious is a good word to describe it. Almost 8 years later (and 4 healthy babies), I still get that twinge of envy when I see people have babies, especially first timers who are having a boy. I would never wish our experience on anyone, but I still feel a little of that *it's not fair* bit. When most people just go about having babies, we have to go about worrying about having a sick baby. Then I see boys who would be our son's age, and that twinge pops back in. Yes, I will get to experience boyhood (twice), but it's not really the same. I don't get to experience Landen's boyhood.

    Sorry, this wasn't exactly a positive comment... and I hesitated to even post it. But I benefited alot though other's experiences and emotions, the good and bad. It was *nice* to see that others had and were feeling what I was. That I wasn't alone. Hope these last weeks go well for you.