First test...FAILED

The days seem to be getting better...I wake up every morning and kiss her picture and tell her good morning and throughout the day things are fine. I hang out in her room from time to time but I usually end up getting frusterated so I dont spend too long in there. When bedtime rolls around I tell her goodnight and my daily frustration turns to sadness, I fall apart. I miss her terribly...I was looking forward to nighttime baths, reading to her, rocking her to sleep, and the sleepless nights that followed...so nights are especially tough.

Yesterday I went with Ryon to his eye surgery and waited in the lobby-thankfully I didnt know any of the people there since his mom went with him the last time.
Today was my first test...I went with him for his check up where I had been with him a couple times while I was still pregnant, so I knew a couple of the ladies there (along with DrBrack and Karen, the coordinater). This time it was a different lady who gave him all the usual eye tests after surgery so there were no questions...shew! and then another who brought us into the room where the Dr would check on him...so far so good...we werent seeing the usual lady. Then the Dr came to check on him(which by the way ryon's eyes are looking good...except he might have a YAG capsulotomy on his left eye since its still a little cloudy) We were only with the Dr for a minute and he looked at me a little different-this time it seemed like the look all the DRs gave us at UVA-like he knew something but didnt want to say anything--it could just be my parinoia! anyway he checked him out and he left--i thought we were out of the woods until tada...the very nice lady who we normally see walked in to give him the usual shpeal and the first words out of her mouth after she saw i no longer had a big ol belly.."Aw hows the baby?!" My heart dropped as I tried to say "the baby didnt make it" about half way thru the tears started...of course she felt bad and gave me a hug as she said she was sorry and she shouldnt have asked. I of course feel bad that she felt bad! lol I thought i was ready to venture out the house and see people I knew. Should I walk around with a sign just so no one asks until im ready to talk about it without crying like a fool!? I cant say that im not ready to talk about it...because Im ok if people who im talking to already know what happened-I dont mind telling her story...Its when people who dont know ask how she is doing that I get really upset--for some reason I just cant say the words she didnt make it or she passed away or shes with jesus..ect--without opening the flood gates. When does that stop?? Surely if im fine talking about it with people who know I should be ok talking about it with people who dont?! Ah I guess it just takes time...going back to work at the bank should be interesting!! Definatly have anxiety just thinking about it....

Overall things seem to be getting better as they all said it would but when they are bad, its worse. As times goes on people are suggesting that I talk to someone who has been thru the same thing or a therpist. Really?? Do you know me?? I would never go for that...I dont talk to anyone let alone someone I dont even know...im way too shy and reserved(unless of course we are close)..PLUS I dont think I would get anything out of it. I understand what happened, why it happened...im just angry THAT it happened...I just get sad just reading other peoples similar stories, how does hearing other peoples stories help? Maybe for some people, I just dont thing I am one of them. Eventually I will accept it and move on, right now im just sad...I feel like I lost the best thing that ever happened to me...to US...what we have wanted and talked about for SOOO long and im just afraid that we arent ever going to be able to have anything close to Bella(ie a brother or sister for her) I guess all I can do is hope and pray. We have our very own guardian angel watching over us and will be teaching me patience, which is what kids do, right?

Ok im done with MY therapy session now :)

1 comment:

  1. Not sure what happened to my original comment! Anyways.. I was saying you are too much girl! I think I sent you a few links to meetings. me personally I think I would get something out of going to a meeting and sharing my pain with others who have also experienced such a loss. I wouldnt have the nerve to go alone though.. Did you check out the online forums- that seems "up your alley" Of course your are doing a great job here with YOUR own therapy sessions. Its good that you are getting your frustrations out somehow. Some people may come across your blog who may be going through something like this and be thankful- knowing they are not alone or crazy about having these feelings.. We all miss Bella deeply and a piece of my heart will always be missing-- but I know I will see her again.. She may be gone but NEVER forgotton. I hope you are able to have more brothers and sisters for Bella.. Love ya.. Tammy