meeting day..#2

Last night before we left the nurse practitioner said "I was surprised to see her still here, i thought for sure when i came back she'd be gone..."

Seriously?? After being at the hospital all day and it was about midnight maybe later that she said that I just broke down...this time it was worse... i felt delusional...I had the strangest feeling in my stomach and Ryon kept telling me we needed to leave and get some rest but i didn't want to leave her side..I just thought for sure something bad was going to happen...I couldn't stop staring at her & before we left I saw a light by the head of her bed...i convinced myself that it was just some blurred light I was seeing because I was crying soo much. I thought i was seeing things...I didn't say anything but I knew.... Bella was going to heaven soon...

Ryon's dad stayed with her so we could put our feet up for a few hours--and having him there to update us through texts all night made it a little bit easier being away...

We always thought the night and day nurses were very different..it seemed as though the day team gave us hope, but when we walked in this AM Horace(Ry's dad) said there wasn't much difference between the 2 anymore...I didn't ask what he heard nor did it really matter--we knew her time was coming. MIL was on her way to attend the 1:30pm meeting with us...

This was it. There wasn't much to talk about in the meeting it was pretty much understood what was going to happen...her spells were getting worse, they were going to need to put in another chest tube and didn't know if she would tolerate it. She was on everything she could possibly be on...from the NICU and the PICU...they tried EVERYTHING.. our baby girl just wasn't getting any better--she was only getting worse...the question was, what were we doing to her? for 3 weeks she was on 100% oxygen...she was becoming immune to the pain meds and the sedation..they had to keep going up on the blood pressure meds..there was 1 more ventilator they could have tried--the jet..but they were sure she wasn't going to make it if they were to make the switch, and even then it wasn't anything that would help...considering ALL the other drips and such she was on, it wasn't going to make a difference. This wasn't good for her, looking into the future..

We just wanted her to have a fair chance at life, and so we decided enough was enough. The meeting was over from there...Ryon and I were left alone for a little bit and tried to process what was about to happen...how would it all happen?? we were terrified of the unknown...and we weren't ready to let go--we didn't want to make the decision...or have anyone think "how could you do that??" We didn't want to give up...but how is it fair to her?? We knew in our hearts we were making the right decision for HER...but why were we having to make the decision in the first place...ITS NOT FAIR! He is supposed to make that decision, not us!

We just wanted more time...we decided tomorrow would be the day if she was going to make it until then...We had talked to Ginny the chaplain and we were going to have a mini service and prayer with the family and they were all going to say goodbye and then it would just be Ryon and myself with her as she went to be with Jesus...

It was late and my mom, MIL, Horace, myself and Ryon were all in the waiting room...Tammy and my dad just showed up and I was about to bring them back to see her when Naomi came out to talk to Ryon...He waived me over and said we need to go back--I was shaking and I knew this was it...

(Its kind of a blur writing this a week after..but this is how I remember it)


TUESDAY January 12Th 2010 (very early AM)


When we got back to her bedside her sats were really really low--everything was dropping and she wasn't going to come back...they called in Brooke(the doctor)

I cant even put to words how I was feeling...shocked, scared, sad, heartbroken, etc... we spent a few minutes with her and then called the family in to see her and say their goodbyes...and they went to the waiting room...

I was able to hold her for a little bit while she was still alive with her tubes in, and then handed her off to Ryon...

I brought her into this world while Ryon watched and held my hand and I'm glad she was in his arms as she left...we both have a special bond with her...

NO parent is supposed to watch their child die...this wasn't how it was SUPPOSED to be... but it happened the best way it could have...it wasn't during a procedure with us not being by her side, surrounded by doctors and nurses...scared and alone. She went as peacefully as possible. She waited until the family was there and they all got to say goodbye. We were able to hold her, and I was by her side holding her hand and she died in her daddy's arms...she wasn't in pain anymore...

We finally got to give her a bath...wash her hair...dress her for the first time and touch her without looking at a screen wondering if she was going to drop her sats or if her blood pressure would spike...

I always thought it was so weird for people to touch someone after they passed...but i was so happy to hold her and touch her and talk to her even tho she wasn't there anymore...I knew she was still there listening...and I wish i could have held her forever...

my heart was so heavy and still is but at that moment i felt a sense of peace...the pain will never go away and that moment will forever be in my mind...i can only pray that as time goes on it gets a little easier...

She lived for 22 days and has touched more people in her short time--more than many of us will in a lifetime. We are so blessed to have had her for as long as we did...

Our lives are forever changed and I feel like a totally different person now because of what we've been through.

Bella was brought here to teach us a very important lesson...LIFE is a precious and you have to cherish every moment! I am SO thankful for her...Ryon and I are stronger because of her and our family is lot closer. We can make it through anything...and she will give us the strength to do so! We will live our lives for HER and hope to make her proud...

She will always be daddy's little girl and mommy's little princess....our first born...and now, our Guardian Angel...

RIP baby girl...I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!