Lately

Ive really been having a hard time lately. It started right before our vacation, perfect timing, which made the trip just lovely.

The holidays are coming up and this is the time of year I was dreading. Halloween, Thanksgiving, her birthday, Christmas, New Years, her angelversary...constant heartache.

Things seemed too easy for a while. I just wasnt crying that much and stopped doing things I would normally do. Instead of reading to her at her grave I started to just do "drive bys" (stop, give her kisses, tell her I loved her n leave) I stopped going in the nursery and talking to her. It just started to feel so cold and empty. I stopped giving her (picture) kisses goodnight...mainly because I usually pass out on the chair and sleep walk to bed.

I didnt get the chance to go by and see her before we went out of town, and this made me feel TERRIBLE. I felt like such a horrible mother leaving and not saying goodbye. I had a few tear times on the trip and lots of moodiness I blamed on my pregnancy hormones which wasnt completely true. I really just missed her. I still miss her...and ill always miss her. But she should have been with us. This was going to be her first time at the beach. It would have been a totally different trip is she was there...that really made me sad/mad/upset.

I had such a special bond with her. From the second I found out I was pregnant to the first kick at 17 weeks...I was head over heels in love with my Bella. I would talk to her, sing to her, tell her I loved her...all the time. I loved people talking about her, and I didnt mind the belly rubs and extra attention!

This is a big reason why im having a hard time. Im 19 weeks and I feel reluctant to bond with Austin. I dont talk to him and rarely rub my belly. He doesnt kick like Bella did so its not hard to "avoid" him. I dont know what it is but im just really uncomfortable when other people notice my belly and pay any attention to him...and those belly rubs that I didnt mind before, now they make my skin crawl.

This REALLY disturbs me. I read in all the books that some women have this reaction for fear of losing the baby again. Before I got pregnant I said "oh absolutely not me!" I thought for sure I would enjoy every second and embrace the pregnancy. I am so thankful to be pregnant...but im terrified.

*Id love to hear from other womn who've felt the same and how you dealt with it.

Anyway, I decided last night to ask Bella for help. I stepped into the nursery (which is STILL set up for her) and leaned over the crib...I told her how I was feeling and asked her to help me. I want so badly to bond with Austin...but im just having such a hard time. After crying out to her and talking for a while...I felt a huge sense of peace. I layed down and Austin started rolling all around. Hes been kicking a little more..and im hoping thats all I needed, was to feel my little miracle inside of me.

Its crazy how Bella is no longer here but talking to her always makes everything so much better. Shes a good listener and a big help to her mommy. So lucky to have my angel o:)