Gone

For the first time in a long time I went thru Bella's chest. I really wanted to remember. I really wanted to smell the blanket and dress she wore after she passed. The hat she wore after she was born. The shirt they put her in after her first bath. The swaddler she spit up all over.

I keep the dress, hat and blanket in a big ziplock bag. When I took it out I held it and tried to smell that sweet baby smell that reminded me of her. It was there for just a second...and then it was gone. Has it been that long??!

I quickly put everything back in the bag and stuffed everything back in the chest. And lost it. I miss her so much.

Austin stood still (in the jumperoo) and watched me. When I realized this I wiped my tears and pulled myself together. I have to be strong. He's a good distracton.

But it still hurts like hell.

Why cant I have both of my kids? Why do I have to be 1 in 4?

*October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month*

This month we remember. {Every DAY I remember} Next month starts the holidays. December is her 2nd birthday. January is the 2nd anniversary of her death. February is my birthday and then....my rainbow will be 1. Im till trying to figure this all out. I need a vacation, just me and my boys.