Usually its just random days that we had with her or even her funeral that ill play back in my head and end up falling back asleep at some point.
This morning however I was thinking about the last time I kissed her. I kissed her hands, her cute little feetsies and her soft cold cheek and walked away. I always make up a different ending. I wish I had picked her up and went back to the room to spend just a little time with her alone. I wanted to rock her by myself and sing to her. I just want a few more minutes...a few more kisses.
Then my thoughts went to one of the worst nights (besides the night we let her fly). It was of course the night she was with our least favorite nurse. The night before she was coughing everywhere and not sanitizing and just seemed loopy...rubbed me the wrong way. Well Ryon had come back down from WV and we went to see her after shift change. Again she just seemed tired and not all there. Bella turned bright red and scrunched her little face, was squirming and looked as if she was crying. If she could have made noise she would have woken up all the babies with that loud cry she had. Of course her alarms were going off and her numbers were going crazy...and all the nurse did was put her hand on her head and "shhhhh"ed her. This made me and Ryon furious! We felt helpless. I wanted to comfort her, not some nurse I didn't care for. I just stood there, my skin crawling. Oh how I wish I could go back to that moment. I feel guilty for not speaking up...and for not being her mom in that moment and comforting her. We left her that night and God only knows how much pain she was in. This really upset me this morning and I cried a good cry...something I haven't done in a while. Some day ill let go but thinking of this night always makes me so angry.
My feelings are all over the place these days. I think of Bella constantly but its different now. I miss her so much but she seems farther and farther away everyday. She will always be my little girl but she just doesn't seem as close anymore. I never thought id feel like this. I thought id always have the heaviness and my arms could feel her weight. This isn't the case. I don't quite know when this happened. Is it because I'm pregnant and all my energy is drained? I want this baby...but I want my Bella and would give anything to have her healthy. I want to feel her weight in my arms.
I don't know when ill start to think of this baby in the future and start to bond with him/her. Currently I'm not feeling like I'm pregnant yet even with my sickness and growing belly. I talk about doing the nursery and such but I just cant picture bringing a baby home. Its more of the change that I'm looking for. Ive built a little wall I think. Some days I feel like its still "Bella's year" we need to get through her first birthday and angelversary...and then I can really bond and prepare for the new baby. This baby deserves his/her own pregnancy memories so hopefully this feeling will change soon.
Another moment I really think will help is finding out the sex. Its not the anxious "I cant wait to find out!" feeling like usual. For me its more of once I know the sex, maybe ill start to think of this baby in concrete terms. It will be more real. I just want to call this baby by name and individualize this baby which is so important to me! As much as I try to convince myself the sex doesn't matter, deep down I reeeaaally want a girl. As anxious as I am to find out the sex I'm so nervous. What if we find out its a boy? Am I prepared for the overwhelming grief and denial I know will come with that? I know if its a boy he will be SO loved without a doubt in his mind. But I don't want to feel like I could never girl birth to a healthy girl....a girl Ive always wanted.
I will keep you all posted on the findings.
So Hawaii is quickly approaching. I'm SOO excited. I'm also sad because Bella was supposed to go with us on this trip. Well she is still going with us because I'm going to bring her heartbeat bear and Ryon and I also have a few little things we are going to do for her there. I just cant wait. For a while I was thinking we were going to be there on October 15th(pregnancy and infant loss awareness day) and had the vision of us on the beach with our candle, which Bella would have made sure it stayed lit. lol Buuuut I don't know what I was thinking...ill be home still. Bummed about that. Oh well...
The everyday reminder that im still childless. I didnt want to take it down because one day i'll get to bring home a healthy baby that can use it.
14 weeks
showing the belly
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