I was prefectly fine all day, not really thinking much about my appointment. While we were waiting (its usually a looong wait) I decided I would catch up on the blogs that I follow to keep my mind off my extremely full bladder. Well, I could have cried after reading them but im not a huge fan of crying in public. So I bottled those emotions...knowing theyd come out sooner or later.
We finally got to go back and couldn't wait to see our little bean! First was the big ol head (ryon cant deny our children! Hehe jk) and then we got to hear the heartbeat...166bpm. Music as always. Bean was moving around a lot! We werent sure if we'd get to find out the sex...and then there it was...
I said "thats A PENIS!" Yup thats right, ALLLL BOY! He wasn't shy at all like his big sister Bella. I waited until the ultrasound tech left and boy did I cry. So many mixed emotions, so much going through my head. I KNEW it was a boy but I wanted another little girl, a girl I could take care of and watch grow up and do all the girly mother/daughter things with. It just seems so out of reach now.
I feel so guilty. I was driving home and crying and just felt terrible for being so sad. I dont want him to think I dont want him because that couldnt be farther from the truth. He will be SO loved and I cant wait to meet him. I am so thankful for ANY and ALL children that the Lord blesses us with.
We buried Bella 10 months ago. The sex of the baby should be irrelevant (as another baby loss mother said). Either way there would be sadness, and I knew that. I just wasnt prepared for it!
With a boy along the way its going to be so different. This baby wont be a replacement baby(not that a girl would but some people might think that). All of Bella's things wont suddenly become her little sisters. Its a whole new start. Time to shop for a boy nursery and pack up the girly room that was once Bella's.
Maybe one day well get another little girl but for now we look forward to preparing to meet the new addition to our family. A beautiful healthy little boy!
(Btw we might be changing the name we picked out which is why I didnt call him by name!)
ARB, BRB or JRB? Hmm...well see what we decide!