Gone

For the first time in a long time I went thru Bella's chest. I really wanted to remember. I really wanted to smell the blanket and dress she wore after she passed. The hat she wore after she was born. The shirt they put her in after her first bath. The swaddler she spit up all over.

I keep the dress, hat and blanket in a big ziplock bag. When I took it out I held it and tried to smell that sweet baby smell that reminded me of her. It was there for just a second...and then it was gone. Has it been that long??!

I quickly put everything back in the bag and stuffed everything back in the chest. And lost it. I miss her so much.

Austin stood still (in the jumperoo) and watched me. When I realized this I wiped my tears and pulled myself together. I have to be strong. He's a good distracton.

But it still hurts like hell.

Why cant I have both of my kids? Why do I have to be 1 in 4?

*October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month*

This month we remember. {Every DAY I remember} Next month starts the holidays. December is her 2nd birthday. January is the 2nd anniversary of her death. February is my birthday and then....my rainbow will be 1. Im till trying to figure this all out. I need a vacation, just me and my boys.

Normal

I feel like I could have totally written this. {If I could write}

"Normal"

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family’s life.

Normal for me is trying to decide how to celebrate Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine’s Day, July 4th and Easter.

Normal is feeling like you know how to act -and are more comfortable with- a funeral than a wedding or birthday party…yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket. Normal is feeling more at home in a NICU rather than a baby shower..

Normal is feeling like you can’t sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don’t like to sit through anything anymore..

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand “what if’s” & “why didn’t I’s” go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away, crying when your alone..

Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby’s age. And then thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child’s death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone’s eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my “normal”.

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child’s memory and his birthday- yet survive these days. Trying to find the balloon or flag that fit’s the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really, but it was in its own way. What do you compromise?

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my baby loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

Normal is making sure that others remember him.

Normal is when the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but I continue to grieve my loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better. Then nothing, then worse again..

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you – it doesn’t compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.

Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal dislikes jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone’s loved one.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.

Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives- sometimes we call them lives, sometimes there are existences..

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. “God may have done this because…” I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why my baby was taken from this Earth after all he lived through is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense tome.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have children, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have no children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.

Normal is avoiding McDonald’s and Burger King Playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them.

Normal is asking God why he took your child’s life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.

Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become “normal” for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are “normal”.

~Author unknown


Its a tough time of the year. Thats all.

God gave me you

Its a crazy thing being the mother of an angel. Unless you are, you couldnt possibly comprehend the highs and lows that we constantly go thru and the emotions we struggle with. 

Sure comments people make and things that have anything to do with babies either of specific gender or age of our little angels can bring up feelings or memories. But something as simple as looking at the way the sun shines thru the clouds can make you cry...or smile, as if to say...I see you.

Well this morning on the way to work I was thinking...I dont look up very much anymore. I look around. I know where she is. But really, where is she?? Sometimes I look to the sky, sometimes shes a butterfly, sometimes shes at home, sometimes shes the rustling leaves when the wind blows. Shes EVERYWHERE. 

As I was leaving the cemetary today I was driving preeetty slow (which is unusual for me lol) and I noticed the clouds were reeeally dark. Suddenly the clouds parted and the sun shined thru in such a way that made me cry. (the picture doesnt do justice, the clouds were movin fast) I turned up the radio and heard this song:

"God Gave Me You"

I’ve been a walking heartache

I’ve made a mess of me

The person that I’ve been lately

Ain’t who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me

And watch as the storm blows through

And I need you

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt

And for when I think I lost my way

There are no words here left to say, it’s true

God gave me you

Gave me you

There’s more here than what we’re seeing

A divine conspiracy

That you, an angel lovely

Could somehow fall for me

You’ll always be love’s great martyr

And I’ll be the flattered fool

And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt

And for when I think I lost my way

There are no words here left to say, it’s true

God gave me you

On my own I’m only

Half of what I could be

I can’t do without you

We are stitched together

And what love has tethered

I pray we never undo

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt

God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt

And for when I think I lost my way

There are no words here left to say, it’s true

God gave me you, gave me you.

He gave me you. "

AND if that werent enough of a sign...the butterfly was back! A while ago I was leaving and a butterfly flew along side my car...and it was back! Or.. she was back.

I am SO thankful that God gave me Bella to carry for 9 months, to stand by her side and love on for 22 days, and to hold in my heart for as long as im living.

I love you my sweet sun shine and I cant wait to see your beautiful face when I arrive at Heavens gate. Until then...keep on shinin'! I can feel you around me :)

Fall

Ah fall....my least favorite season. Its just so daggone gloomy! This year I took off a few days in October and we are going to do a few things as a family that we havent done. (No beach tis year...booo) It'll be nice tho getting to spend time with my loves tho! Someone will obviously be mising. Always. How I wish I could hear my little miss yapping away in the back seat or to look in the rear view and see both of my babies snoozin on our little road trip.

I wish I could see her in her little cowboys cheerleader outfit cheering for our team every Sunday! The pumpkin patch. Halloween. Thanksgiving. All of it. I always think of how it would be. Im sure I always will. Its different now that Austin is here tho. I dont have all this time on my hands to sit around and wonder like last year. Im very thankful for that. I drove myself crazy. When thoughts come in my head now...I ponder for a moment, smile, and move on. Sometimes ill go give her picture a kiss and whisper "I love you".

Some days it hurts and ive done a good job covering up the pain and heartache and rarely shed a tear anymore. Its gotten easier to hold back.However, with fall upon us and the gloomy dark days...the tears and heartache will show themselves again im sure. Maybe.

Her birthday is going to be here soon {ok so its 3 months away...but itll be here before we know it!} and im starting to make a plan. Last year our family was with us, and this year im thinking just the 3 of us. Undecided still. Going to hopefully make new traditions as well. Im searching for some good ones. Ive started to gather things to make a few care packages. Maybe 2. She would be 2. Still havent contacted the NICU tho.

Also my plan is to start making hats and mini blankets. Ive watched youtube videos but havent picked up the yarn yet. Well, I have it...sitting in a bag waiting...

(Austin could use a few hats himself! You know...they are so hard to find, its crazy.)

I got the idea today from the MEND newsletter to make a sign to put outside by Bella tree on her birthday. Maybe we will take it down on her angelversary and do this ever year. A simple 22 day reminder to those around us that she LIVED...and continues to in our hearts.

Id like to hear how you all plan to celebrate your babies on their birthday, angelversary, and during the holidays. Even if you havent lost a child and have an idea. Comments welcome! :)

Rain

I never liked the rain. It was always so dark and depressing to me. However, after Bella died I LOVED when it rained. LOVED it. It was the only time I would smile. Most people I know also dislike the rain...and when it rains people get in this funk. I didnt feel so alone when it rained and that made me happy.

Maybe it was a bit selfish of me to be happy that others were feeling down because of the rain, but I felt like they were getting a little taste of my every day.

This past week it has rained NONSTOP. {ThankyouLee} Needless to say im quite sick of the rain. Im not sure when this changed and im not sure how I feel about it. I still miss my girl like crazy. Now when the sun shines bright and I feel the warmth on my skin, I smile. When the wind blows, I smile. But when it rains...im one of those people that get in that funk....

If its going to rain, Bella...atleast send mommy a rainbow ;) i love you sweet girl.

Images

I know in my last post I talked about how I feel Bella around, but this time I SAW her... {Chills}

Austin hasnt been sleeping well and has started screaming when I lay him down even tho he will be in a deep sleep. So weird. Anyway, I normally pick him back up and walk, sing to him, rock him..and try again. Well about the fourth time of doing this I started to get a little tired of it. Eh well..I was just tired really. Or REALLY TIRED. {Because lets face it, I LOVE holding and loving on my Austy}

Well as I laid him down and he started to wake up...there she was in the doorway. I cant say she had blonde hair in pigtails and bright blue eyes smiling at me...but I saw SOMETHING. Just a cloud or image. Strange. My heart dropped. I always feel her around when im hurting or maybe when shes trying to tell me somthing and just wants me to know shes here. I love it.

Baby brother Austin is now 5 months old. Its crazy to think I have a living breathing ever changing baby that is 5 months old. Last year I couldnt imagine life how it is today. Taking care of a baby on a daily basis instead of caring for a grave site. Now I do both. I work, stop by to check on Bella and give kisses from mommy, daddy, and brother..and then I head home to my loves.

When Austin does something new I often think how Bella would have sounded, acted, looked like doing the same things. It makes me sad but I dont cry like I did in the beginning. Ive had a few days but theyre not nearly as often as they used to be. I have my angel to thank for giving me the strength to get thru each day with a smile on my face. I absolutely LOVE my girl and miss her more than ever.


Thats all for now...