"Fly" Celine Dion

Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless Journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace all one word
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet.

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly, where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light.

busy busy busy

It seems like that's how things have been lately. I am ready for a break!!

Ryon's dad came out from CA to surprise Ryon for his birthday on May 14Th. He was supposed to get in at 730pm on the 13Th and we were going to surprise him at work...buut he got delayed, twice!(***lesson, always fly United!...he made the mistake of flying American lol) So he didn't get to our house until 130am! Ryon had came to bed already...and boy was he shocked to wake up and find his dad standing in our doorway, HA! wish I had my camera ready for that..and the "what the hell are you doing here!?" response. It was great. Friday we went to MiDeg and had a nice dinner with the three of us and my mom came up from VA. Then off the work they went. On Saturday Ry, his dad, Andy, and Chad had a nice golf outing and on Sunday we just cooked out and relaxed. I stressed way more than I should have! oh well, it all worked out!

His dad went back home on Monday...and then more busy-ness!

On Tuesday we took a "dance lesson" and we learned the modified foxtrot. HA! It was a joke. Ryon ended up teaching more than the instructor, and she didn't like that too much. She even told him she wasn't going to share her fee with him so he better leave the teaching to her. Maybe if his mom and dad understood her he would have...but apparently he did a better job! :) that's my husband!




Wednesday I had to run here, there, and everywhere to try and find a dress for my sister-in-law's wedding on Saturday....finally settled on a simple black dress. Totally not what i wanted but it worked.

Thursday the other sister-in-law's came in...BJ from Florida and Devon from CA. When I got off work we went and got pedicures and then went out to dinner. Good time.



Friday I got off a little early so I could go to Brandon's rehearsal dinner...and afterwards we all went to the fire hall where they rehearsed and we decorated.




.May 22. OH HAPPY DAY!

The wedding day finally arrived! We went out to huntfield to take pictures and then off to the fire hall! It turned out to be a beautiful wedding.



[Brandon wanted a courthouse thing--as did I--and I'm sure she feels the same as me that shes glad it turned out the way it did!]

She was a lovely bride and TJ looked nice all dressed up!

During the ceremony Aunt Sandy sang while they lit a unity candle and then a candle in memory of Bella...aaand the flood gates opened. I was holding Hunter, and I think he helped me hold it together a little, my arms weren't completely empty. The songs, the prayers, they were all hard to listen to and watch and I could have cried forever. I was so excited when they were getting married and how I was going to dress her up all cute and everyone was going to be together...it just was such an empty feeling and bittersweet day.











I had a good time and it was nice being around everyone. Going home wasn't so nice. It was pouring down rain, Ryon was working, and the house was again...cold, dark, and lonely. So quiet. I spent quite a while in Bella's room sobbing. The tear times aren't as often but when they come...you better watch out for the flood! I think that was the first time I actually cried out to God. I told him how angry I was. How its not fair that even during such a happy time, I'm soo sad. I came up with the great idea of taking pictures with her bear. I'm obsessed with wanting to see "her" so every time I take pictures I look for orbs. I don't know why I do this...I know shes there, but seeing a spot on a picture makes me smile and confirms what I already knew. Its so strange.

Anyway...Sunday we went to Ginza, a japanese steakhouse for dinner before BJ, Aunt Sandy, and Jilli went home. One last hoorah! I can only speak for myself but boy am I glad all the festivities are over!


Next UP...
wisdom teeth removal, father's day, our 1 year anniversary, and...maybe baby?! only time will tell...but when that happens, I think it'll be our little secret for a while ;)

MOD Walk & Mother's Day

Last weekend was exhausting to say the least. I've read in the grief books that it can be exhausting but hadn't really experienced it until then! Saturday was the walk and we woke up to dark clouds, rain, and it was SO windy. I cried pretty much the whole way to the park and then when I got there and saw my nephew in his shirt for Bella, the tears flowed again. I was able to get it together and when the walk started, the clouds and wind went away and it was perfect. It was a 3 mile walk...but I was ready to do it all over again when it was done!

I raised over $500 and our team raised over $13,000! Great job BCT :)


Joy, Myself and Izabell...with Marina, Brandon, and Hunter behind us



The shirts that our team wore






When we got home from the walk there was an edible arrangement waiting, from my lovely mother and mother in law...and it was yummy :)

They both went to the Children's Memorial Service at UVA which was at 2pm the same day. I plan on attending next year but this year I settled for a video of it! I slept most of the day Saturday and Sunday so it wasn't as bad of a weekend as I was anticipating.


(hanging out at the cemetery with Bella & her heartbeat bear on Mothers Day)

On Monday I walked into work to find this picture that Joy drew me for Mother's Day...(I accidentally saw it before the walk...which is 1 reason I cried the whole way to the park!)


Ryon got me stargazer lilies and our living room smells amazing...but the picture was by far the best mothers day present.

4 month angelversary

So thats what they call it.

Well I am "they" now.

WE are a strong, amazing, wonderful group of people...but not a group you would ever WANT to be a part of. It is so nice to have people who have been there or are going through it, to talk to, who understand all the feelings. It is one crazy ride I tell ya. One minute you think you are doing good, and the next you are crying your eyes out asking if it will ever get easier.

So it seems every month I dread the 12th and the 21st...for obvious reasons. I always sit and wonder what she would look like, sound like, what kind of personality she would have...and on her dates im just reminded of how old she would have been. Milestones are the hardest. I know it will get easier to deal with, but the pain in my heart will never go away. Unless you have held your lifeless child in your arms, you have NO idea. I would never wish that upon ANYONE. Sometimes it seems like its all just a dream...like, did that REALLY happen?? I just doesnt seem real at times. Was I really pregnant? Did I really give birth? Did we really have a daughter for 22 days, just to let her go be with Jesus? Sometimes I wonder how in the world I walked out of the hospital that cold morning in January...I really WALKED? I remember kissing her hands and her feet and her cheek...and WALKING away. How does anyone walk away? The body that I left was Bella's, but her spirit was with us as we left...she was with us as we walked out of the hospital.


Im still trying to figure out just how to continue our relationship as mother and daughter. Its very confusing. She will always be my daughter and we will always have this special bond, but how do you continue your relationship with your dead child?? I go to her grave, I bring her things, I clean her stone, I read to her, sing to her, talk to her, I go in her room and rock in her chair with her heartbeat bear...but I want to do more for her. But WHAT?


I feel like I have closure...I know shes gone, I know shes not coming back. Ive accepted it. Im sad...and thats that. But people throw out this word "closure". Its not final...Bella will always live in my heart and she will always be a huge part of my life. So what is closure all about??? Ah, oh well. In the end, I dont care what people think, I will just do what FEELS right.


"Happy" 4 month Angelversary my beautiful Bella. Mommy loves you.

Dear JUNE, please hurry...

SO...I went to the oral surgeon the other day after a course of antibiotics...

(which was given to me by a doctor who was in the delivery room when I was in labor and who started the practice I went to. AND who gave me my 20wk US when we found out we were having a girl...but didnt "remember" me...not that im upset about it or anything--ok that is SO besides the point...but it DID irritate me!)

I was thinking I could just go there and it would be a quick fix... HA! Do they not realize I have PLANS?!? We are on a schedule here people! I wasted a sick day just to sit there and have him tell me I needed to have my wisdom teeth taken out because 1 is sideways and the others just need to come out. He said it would be best to do it all in one shot, while i was asleep. GREAT! So my plans are on hold yet again. My appointment isnt until JUNE. That is a lifetime away when you are looking forward to starting to try for another baby.

I am on the list incase anyone cancels. SO anyone out there who has an appointment at WINC oral surgery...PLEASE CANCEL IMMEDIAETLY! (because patience is just not in my genes!)

Thank you :)

Waiting

SO...the "plan" was to give ourselves a little time to grieve our first born daughter and start trying for another baby around September/October. You see, we wanted a May baby last year until we found out I was pregnant a little earlier than we had expected. SURPRISE. I got used to a December baby really quick! {Off for all the holidays, not having to leave in the nasty cold, more time with Ryon and being snuggled up with our new baby girl ALL winter...or atleast for 6 weeks!} Well, as we know God had another plan for sweet Bella, and one we will have to learn to live with for the rest of our lives...

We spent 9 months talking about everything we were going to do with her and pretty much planned her life out before she arrived. After her passing...we were CRUSHED...left with ALL these plans and no baby to watch grow and see all of our dreams and plans come to life. Some women cant bear the thought of getting pregnant again for fear of losing another child...and some cant stop thinking about having another baby. I am the woman that cant stop thinking about having a baby. All the "advice" we got was to wait... We took the advice and decided to wait and thought our trip to Hawaii in October would be perfect! Thinking about it makes me SOOO excited. After talking about it I thought, why wait? Who cares what month the baby is born in, who cares if im preggo when we go to Hawaii?! Its not like waiting will make me miss Bella any less or bring her back. So to hell with waiting...were making a baby! LOL. Ok, so maybe not RIGHT this second, there are a few things we'd like to take care of first, BUT I am so excited to get pregnant again!

I can't wait to:

*put some of my feelings in my previous post to rest once I have a healthy baby to call my own
*see 2 lines on the pregnancy test(and yes, I stocked up again)
*hear the heartbeat--Im sure ill get a monitor this time so I can hear it whenever I want!
*the first ultrasound<3
*feeling the first flutter...and then all the kicks and punches!
*DELIVERING, I know its crazy right, but I cant wait to be in LABOR. Going natural again has crossed my mind and its something I would totally do again
*Hearing baby for the first time. Ah, its like music :) Bella had the loudest scream, not just a cry...and it was wonderful
*Instead of a baby shower, I will have a "Welcome Home Baby" celebration, and I cant wait for that day...

...theres so many more things I can't wait for...

However, things change, plans change...so we will just have to WAIT and see what happens!

I Feel...

My body feels numb.

I feel SO heavy, like I weigh 1000lbs.

When I feel Bella's presence I am overwhelmed with sadness and my heart feels so broken. I want so bad to be able to touch her sweet face. When I'm having a really bad day, I go in her room to talk to her and hold her snuggie. I know she hangs out in there because when I hold it, it feels heavy. I also love to get out her little baggie of hair and touch it..so soft.

Occasionally I will see images...maybe I'm imagining, maybe shes here and sometimes shows herself but i cant SEE her. I don't know. I want a CLEAR crisp image of Bella..not a blur or a "was that..."?
I close my eyes and imagine seeing her as a little girl...bleach blond hair like Ryon and I both had as little ones, an angelic-like baby with a wide smile and bright eyes...i think she might have had hazel eyes...more blue though...but a touch of green...she would have had a good combo of both of us! When I daydream of her i feel so warm, but then I open my eyes and its back to reality. Cold, Dark, Lonely...Silent. I listen, hoping to hear something, ANYTHING! A cry, a coo, a giggle. Instead I get the sound of my cries.

I feel like I cant wish, dream or hope anymore. All of those things I had envisioned or wished for, for Bella, were suddenly gone...never to come true. My future is changed. If I wish for something-will it be given to me, only to be taken away also? When I do wish, I make sure its something that I don't care if it comes true or not, for fear that it wont..or I will be left broken hearted.

I feel ISOLATED. I feel sad and lonely, even though I'm not alone. My heart was ripped out of my chest when my daughter died. I don't want to have fun, I don't want to laugh, or smile and mean it. I feel like a fraud. I have become pretty good at hiding. I realize the world still goes round and I must as well. On the outside I may seem OK..maybe even good(which is what usually comes out when you ask how I am) Well, that's a lie. I am a walking zombie, in a daze. I think of Bella 24/7, I'm crying inside constantly and i am NOT OK and definitely NOT good.

JEALOUSY. This is such a horrible thing that has come with losing Bella. I am so so jealous and I cant do anything about it no matter how hard I try. I am jealous of other moms. I am jealous they get to hold their babies. I and jealous they get to take their baby for a walk in their stroller. I am jealous they get to give their baby a bath. I and jealous they got to have the feeling of "bringing home baby" I am jealous they get to kiss their baby and tell them how much they love them. I am jealous they get to go fun places like the zoo, the park, babies r us, and all the cute baby clothes stores and buy things for their babies. I am jealous they get to take their baby to see Santa, the Easter bunny, etc. I am jealous they get to dress their baby. I am jealous, because I cant have any of these things with BELLA. Sure, eventually we will hopefully be blessed with another child. BUT I wanted to do all these things and more with my first baby, my DAUGHTER, who I dreamed about and wished for my whole life.

Excluded. Because I have an angel baby, and not a baby to take care of, i feel left out. This also goes along with jealousy...but at the same time i just am not ready to be around that.

TORN. I feel torn because I know a lot of people with babies. I don't want to miss their babies milestones and miss watching them grow up.
Bella was the middle cousin of the NEW babies in the family. My sister in law Brandon had my nephew, Hunter, in September. They live close by and we were SO excited there was an older boy around her age that when they were older, would watch out for her. My other (might-as-well-be) sister in law had a girl, Hannah, in January...the day before Bella died. I still have not seen her. They were going to be BEST cousins, and her big sister Abby was going to be the protector and the teacher. If theres any babies i want to be around right now, its them...I just cant bring myself to feel THAT pain that will come.

I Feel like I want to fast forward life to when everything is OKAY...

I feel silly reading to her everyday at her grave..not knowing if she is listening or not. Her body is there but she is very much at home with us. I dont like not going there though...its one of the only things I can do to be a parent, visit my childs grave. I just want to PARENT. Cleaning her marker, bringing her flowers and toys and bottles and reading to a stone is NOT what I dreamed of when I dreamed for a child...

I feel like I HAVE to do something to keep her memory alive. I feel like I have to work hard so people dont forget her

She is special girl and EVERYONE should know her...and never forget her.

I feel SO drained.

ACD PSA

a PSA that my cousin Alyssa made. watch. thank you! :)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R-bNxt6n-Gc

Video

Keeping Bella's memory alive..

First of all I just wanted to say THANK YOU to my family for all the wonderful things you guys are doing to keep Bella's memory alive. Its so nice to have everyones support!

Several family members are helping organize a fundraiser for June 26th to raise money for ACD research. As many of you know this is the rare lung disease that took our beautiful baby after 22 short days. I will keep you posted on the details of that! Also, in December we are putting something together called Bears for Bella...still working on the details for that as well! :)

**To learn more about ACD visit:

http://www.acd-association.com/

Lastly, I just joined the team at the Bank in the March for Babies campaign! I always loved supporting this cause but this year I want to walk as it has become near and dear to my heart! I am very saddened by the loss of my daughter...but I am excited to take part in such a wonderful cause. I hope one day ALL babies will be born healthy and no one will have to endure the loss of losing a precious child!