In her memory

I really want to help other baby loss mothers and have read several blogs about what other women have done and it just got me really inspired to do something.

We got 2 memory boxes from the NICU at UVA(one after Bella passed and 1 at the memorial service that my mom and mother in law attended). So I think thats the route ill go.

They were very nice hand painted boxes. The one that we recieved after she passed had some of her things (the shampoo we used to bathe her, bp cuffs, locks of her hair, several of her hospital bands, ect) and the one from the service had a bag with angel shaped cookies, which I used to put some more of her things in.

Well my plan is to make a few boxes myself...and fill them with things that I beileve would help a baby loss mother and something also for the father. I love crafts...so hopefully I can make some nice boxes myself and inside include things like a book I found comforting, a candle, a charm or some sort of jewlery that has to do with an angel(s), a (bella) bear, and a handmade card.

I want to do this for her birthday every year...and donate to either the UVA NICU or Winchester's NICU...or both :)

This year its financially impossible to do but im hoping and praying that we can finally pay off her medical bills next year and be able to give back. Im really excited about this project and cant wait to get started. I think that ill use whats left of a michaels gift card I have to start on the boxes :)

I had planned to use it to make Bella something for her birthday but im stuck and cant figure out what to make/how to make whatever for her grave... any ideas???

Lately

Ive really been having a hard time lately. It started right before our vacation, perfect timing, which made the trip just lovely.

The holidays are coming up and this is the time of year I was dreading. Halloween, Thanksgiving, her birthday, Christmas, New Years, her angelversary...constant heartache.

Things seemed too easy for a while. I just wasnt crying that much and stopped doing things I would normally do. Instead of reading to her at her grave I started to just do "drive bys" (stop, give her kisses, tell her I loved her n leave) I stopped going in the nursery and talking to her. It just started to feel so cold and empty. I stopped giving her (picture) kisses goodnight...mainly because I usually pass out on the chair and sleep walk to bed.

I didnt get the chance to go by and see her before we went out of town, and this made me feel TERRIBLE. I felt like such a horrible mother leaving and not saying goodbye. I had a few tear times on the trip and lots of moodiness I blamed on my pregnancy hormones which wasnt completely true. I really just missed her. I still miss her...and ill always miss her. But she should have been with us. This was going to be her first time at the beach. It would have been a totally different trip is she was there...that really made me sad/mad/upset.

I had such a special bond with her. From the second I found out I was pregnant to the first kick at 17 weeks...I was head over heels in love with my Bella. I would talk to her, sing to her, tell her I loved her...all the time. I loved people talking about her, and I didnt mind the belly rubs and extra attention!

This is a big reason why im having a hard time. Im 19 weeks and I feel reluctant to bond with Austin. I dont talk to him and rarely rub my belly. He doesnt kick like Bella did so its not hard to "avoid" him. I dont know what it is but im just really uncomfortable when other people notice my belly and pay any attention to him...and those belly rubs that I didnt mind before, now they make my skin crawl.

This REALLY disturbs me. I read in all the books that some women have this reaction for fear of losing the baby again. Before I got pregnant I said "oh absolutely not me!" I thought for sure I would enjoy every second and embrace the pregnancy. I am so thankful to be pregnant...but im terrified.

*Id love to hear from other womn who've felt the same and how you dealt with it.

Anyway, I decided last night to ask Bella for help. I stepped into the nursery (which is STILL set up for her) and leaned over the crib...I told her how I was feeling and asked her to help me. I want so badly to bond with Austin...but im just having such a hard time. After crying out to her and talking for a while...I felt a huge sense of peace. I layed down and Austin started rolling all around. Hes been kicking a little more..and im hoping thats all I needed, was to feel my little miracle inside of me.

Its crazy how Bella is no longer here but talking to her always makes everything so much better. Shes a good listener and a big help to her mommy. So lucky to have my angel o:)

Mini update

So im back from Hawaii...and working on that blog. I might have it up by next year :)

I will be 20 weeks in a few days. I wanted to start another blog for our rainbow baby instead of adding on to this one which started out as "bella's"...and I fiiinally did, just a few weeks late(I guess part of me is still a Ritter lol)

This one I plan on writing about our angel, the family, our grief, and random stuff.



Ill be posting about the pregnancy and the baby on:

waitingonourrainbow.blogspot.com

I cant write in my new blog tho until I can figure out how to add it to my blog app...I seem to only be able to blog from my phone nowadays.

Anyway...more blogs are swirling in my head so stay tuned! lol

Normal

(This wasnt written by me...found it on another baby loss mothers blog where she had posted poems that SHE found...so im not sure who wrote it :) but any baby loss mother can relate im sure)

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age they would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

Normal is making sure that others remember them.

Normal is that everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have a child, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have no children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.

Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".

Always changing

The title can describe a lot of things. Grief, pregnancy moods, but this time im talking about our ideas for our son's name and nursery.

We had a name picked out since we started dating...7 years ago, Austin Ryon was what we were going to call our first son. Well now that I am pregnant with a boy we have changed our minds. One reason was another girl naming her son Austin (very soon) and they will most likely go to school together. Ryon says you cant have 2 Austins. (now growing up how many John's, Kevin's, Ryan's, and so on did you know!? lol) Then we just sort of fell out of love with that name so the search began. We made a list of several names we liked...

Landon
Jaxson
Mason
Teagan
Gavyn
Brooks
Kingston (OK Ryon hated this 1 lol)
Rhys
Kaedon
and so on...


I am pretty confidant that we have agreed on a name for our son... but things change ALL the time so I am going to say I am 99.8% sure we will call him:

Jaxson Ryon Blehr :) I don't see it changing but you never know with us Blehr's


Also, If you read a few posts back about nursery ideas...there was only 1 boy room and I was so sure we were going to do that. Nope... not anymore! lol

We've finally agreed on a room and the ideas of what we want to do with it...


Ive always disliked really "baby baby" rooms...and BLUES! So many boys rooms are cars, zoo animals, sports or BLUES...yuck

This bedding is exactly what I was looking for. Something soothing, tranquil, and I LOVE the colors! Green, blue, and brown/tan...and we might even paint the walls like this:



BLUE! but what a great shade of blue...it might be a pale green. Still not sure until we get the bedding. Really hoping we are able to get it because I just LOVE it and all the ideas I have for it (thanks to google images)

I could totally see a tall giraffe in the corner...or maybe more of a surfer room with a surf board fan and palm decals on the wall. We shall see.

Im so excited to start on Jaxson's room...but not looking forward to putting all the girly dresses, shoes, hats, toys, and everything PINK away. I am going to keep most of the stuff but putting "Bella's things" away makes me sad. I'm ready for change tho, I'm ready to give Jaxson his space and create a new space for Bella's things, a place easily accessible so we can pull her possessions out any time. The rest of the girly items will be stored away but HER things will go in something like this....


except it will be a cherry finish, in our living room of course with her heartbeat bear sitting comfortably on top.

The big reveal

I was prefectly fine all day, not really thinking much about my appointment. While we were waiting (its usually a looong wait) I decided I would catch up on the blogs that I follow to keep my mind off my extremely full bladder. Well, I could have cried after reading them but im not a huge fan of crying in public. So I bottled those emotions...knowing theyd come out sooner or later.

We finally got to go back and couldn't wait to see our little bean! First was the big ol head (ryon cant deny our children! Hehe jk) and then we got to hear the heartbeat...166bpm. Music as always. Bean was moving around a lot! We werent sure if we'd get to find out the sex...and then there it was...

I said "thats A PENIS!" Yup thats right, ALLLL BOY! He wasn't shy at all like his big sister Bella. I waited until the ultrasound tech left and boy did I cry. So many mixed emotions, so much going through my head. I KNEW it was a boy but I wanted another little girl, a girl I could take care of and watch grow up and do all the girly mother/daughter things with. It just seems so out of reach now.

I feel so guilty. I was driving home and crying and just felt terrible for being so sad. I dont want him to think I dont want him because that couldnt be farther from the truth. He will be SO loved and I cant wait to meet him. I am so thankful for ANY and ALL children that the Lord blesses us with.

We buried Bella 10 months ago. The sex of the baby should be irrelevant (as another baby loss mother said). Either way there would be sadness, and I knew that. I just wasnt prepared for it!

With a boy along the way its going to be so different. This baby wont be a replacement baby(not that a girl would but some people might think that). All of Bella's things wont suddenly become her little sisters. Its a whole new start. Time to shop for a boy nursery and pack up the girly room that was once Bella's. 

Maybe one day well get another little girl but for now we look forward to preparing to meet the new addition to our family. A beautiful healthy little boy!

(Btw we might be changing the name we picked out which is why I didnt call him by name!)

ARB, BRB or JRB? Hmm...well see what we decide!

Obsession

With Bella I didnt have any cravings..at all, and with this baby I havent really had any either. I have an obsession instead.

Asparagus. I could live off this stuff. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. If I have it for dinner, its my main course...anything else is just a side. And I dont share, I eat the whole bundle! (sorry Ryon)

I used to make it different ways ever since I started eating it within the past year or 2. Now I can only have it 1 way and some may think that youd get tired of it. Nope. Not me.

So if anyone wants to give me a gift for any reason...think no further than ASPARAGUS! Haha. I will love you forever.

Rolled in melted butter, loaded with minced garlic, fresh squeezed lemon juice over it(1/2 a lemon...then at the end squeeze the other half)

Baked for about 10-12mins.

Yummmmm! Good ol garlicy, buttery, lemoney, crunchy asparagus...what would I do without you?! :D

Blessings Candles

A few months ago, my cousin Cami's good friend, Deby Sebastian, gave Cami a late Christmas gift - a candle named Bella. Deby owns a candle company (Blessings Candles) yet knew nothing about Bella until she gave Cami this candle. From this coincidence, another fundraising idea started coming together.

Deby has generously offered a very simple but profitable fundraiser to the ACD Association. Deby's candle company, Blessings Candles, will make a donation to the ACD Restricted Research Fund at NORD for every "Bella" or other candle bought by ACDA members, their family and friends between now and the end of December.

She will donate $9.00 for every 22 oz. candle and $4.00 for every 11 oz. candle bought by ACDA members, their friends and family. There are many scents to choose from in addition to the "Bella" candle.

Information about the Bella Candle

Size: 22 oz./11 oz.

Scent: Bella - citrus floral

Color: Bella - pink

Specs: Double Wicked, Zinc and Lead-Free

Burn Time: 100 hours or more for the 22 oz.

Price: $19.95/$11.95 plus shipping ($9.00/$4.00 of this goes to ACD Research)

Payment: Paypal

There are lots of different scents to choose from so check out the site!

Several holidays coming up and candles make wonderful gifts.



Its so easy to order online...just go to http://blessingscandles.com/

So, please consider purchasing a few candles for yourself, family or friends. You can order directly on Deby's website any time and pay via Paypal.

IMPORTANT - So that Deby knows that you are part of this fundraiser, please type "ACD Fundraiser" in the Add Special Instructions to the Seller field in the Review Your Payment screen. That will ensure that Deby makes a donation to NORD for that sale.

International families please contact Deby at sales@blessingscandles.com for international shipping information.

If you need to make payment using another method, contact Deby at sales@blessingscandles.com. Be sure to mention that you are an ACDA member.

When you give the candle as a gift, you might consider adding a note similar to the one below to add a personal touch:

A portion of the proceeds from the sale of this candle will be donated by Blessings Candles to the National Organization for Rare Diseases (NORD) for research on Alveolar Capillary Dysplasia (ACD). This is being done in memory of Bella, and the other babies that have lost their lives to ACD.


Thank you Deby for offering to do this wonderful fundraiser for ACD research! Such a wonderful blessing.

Maryann

"The Answer"

There are so many wonderful people involved in the the much anticipated Stretch Productions album "The Answer" that is now available for purchase!

A BIG THANK YOU goes out to my cousins Cami and Randy McCraw for putting so many hours into producing this benefit CD!



A portion of the proceeds from the CD sales will be donated to the ACD restricted research account at NORD. In addition, on the back cover of the CD there is a link to the ACDA website that explains how people can make a donation to NORD.

For ordering information, please visit http://stretchproductions.com/TheAnswer.html

The following was provided by Stretch Productions and is part of the press release about the CD.

Finding answers is not always an easy path. Finding answers together, however, can make the path brighter and easier to travel. In search for a cure for Alveolar Capillary Dysplasia, and in memory of "Baby Bella", singers and songwriters from Keller, Texas to Nashville, Tennessee came together to form 'The Answer', a 12-track compilation album with proceeds benefiting ACD research. Artists such as Rebekah Jordan, Ryan Wood, Jordan Justice, Bailey Lawrence, Brittany Strother and Stephen Bolduc are all college students who have had extensive vocal and stage training and were chosen by Stretch Productions for this project during their time in the Keller School District. The album also includes a duet by Paula Jordan and Brad Lundy of the Keller area, a song from the band "Red White and Blues", and a full choir of Keller students performing a remake of 'Peace on Earth.” Written by internationally renowned music artist ("Mandalaband") and television presenter/archaeologist from the UK David Rohl,this 1985 EducAid Christmas single was a charity follow-up to BandAid, recorded by British students. David Rohl's willingness to share his fundraising song really set the tone for the beginning stages of this ACD CD.

Other songwriters we wish to thank include Tammy Branscom, Nashville, Tennessee; Heather Duncan,Indian River, Michigan; from "The Duggars: 19 Kids & Counting" wedding episode - songwriter Robert Greenlaw, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma; & ABC-TV's "General Hospital" actor/songwriter Christian Taylor.

Also from Nashville, Stretch Productions is proud to feature Jordyn Shellhart-up-and-coming country music starlet signed by Columbia Nashville, among the likes of Carrie Underwood, Brad Paisley and Miranda Lambert. Jordyn's song, 'You Don't Get To Get To Me', is from her debut album "In a Room".



Thank you so much to EVERYONE involved in putting this wondeful CD together. You are all amazing people.

& To everyone else....order your copy today! Help us raise money for ACD Research...{thank you}

Maryann

All over the place

Lately, well for a while now actually ive been waking up several times during the night, wide awake, just thinking of Bella. After a trip to the bathroom of course...oh the joys of pregnancy :)

Usually its just random days that we had with her or even her funeral that ill play back in my head and end up falling back asleep at some point.

This morning however I was thinking about the last time I kissed her. I kissed her hands, her cute little feetsies and her soft cold cheek and walked away. I always make up a different ending. I wish I had picked her up and went back to the room to spend just a little time with her alone. I wanted to rock her by myself and sing to her. I just want a few more minutes...a few more kisses.


Then my thoughts went to one of the worst nights (besides the night we let her fly). It was of course the night she was with our least favorite nurse. The night before she was coughing everywhere and not sanitizing and just seemed loopy...rubbed me the wrong way. Well Ryon had come back down from WV and we went to see her after shift change. Again she just seemed tired and not all there. Bella turned bright red and scrunched her little face, was squirming and looked as if she was crying. If she could have made noise she would have woken up all the babies with that loud cry she had. Of course her alarms were going off and her numbers were going crazy...and all the nurse did was put her hand on her head and "shhhhh"ed her. This made me and Ryon furious! We felt helpless. I wanted to comfort her, not some nurse I didn't care for. I just stood there, my skin crawling. Oh how I wish I could go back to that moment. I  feel guilty for not speaking up...and for not being her mom in that moment and comforting her. We left her that night and God only knows how much pain she was in. This really upset me this morning and I cried a good cry...something I haven't done in a while. Some day ill let go but thinking of this night always makes me so angry.

My feelings are all over the place these days. I think of Bella constantly but its different now. I miss her so much but she seems farther and farther away everyday. She will always be my little girl but she just doesn't seem as close anymore. I never thought id feel like this. I thought id always have the heaviness and my arms could feel her weight. This isn't the case. I don't quite know when this happened. Is it because I'm pregnant and all my energy is drained?  I want this baby...but I want my Bella and would give anything to have her healthy. I want to feel her weight in my arms.

I don't know when ill start to think of this baby in the future and start to bond with him/her. Currently I'm not feeling like I'm pregnant yet even with my sickness and growing belly. I talk about doing the nursery and such but I just cant picture bringing a baby home. Its more of the change that I'm looking for. Ive built a little wall I think. Some days I feel like its still "Bella's year" we need to get through her first birthday and angelversary...and then I can really bond and prepare for the new baby. This baby deserves his/her own pregnancy memories so hopefully this feeling will change soon.

Another moment I really think will help is finding out the sex. Its not the anxious "I cant wait to find out!" feeling like usual. For me its more of once I know the sex, maybe ill start to think of this baby in concrete terms. It will be more real. I just want to call this baby by name and individualize this baby which is so important to me! As much as I try to convince myself the sex doesn't matter, deep down I reeeaaally want a girl. As anxious as I am to find out the sex I'm so nervous. What if we find out its a boy? Am I prepared for the overwhelming grief and denial I know will come with that? I know if its a boy he will be SO loved without a doubt in his mind. But I don't want to feel like I could never girl birth to a healthy girl....a girl Ive always wanted. 

I will keep you all posted on the findings.

So Hawaii is quickly approaching. I'm SOO excited. I'm also sad because Bella was supposed to go with us on this trip. Well she is still going with us because I'm going to bring her heartbeat bear and Ryon and I also have a few little things we are going to do for her there. I just cant wait. For a while I was thinking we were going to be there on October 15th(pregnancy and infant loss awareness day) and had the vision of us on the beach with our candle, which Bella would have made sure it stayed lit. lol Buuuut I don't know what I was thinking...ill be home still. Bummed about that. Oh well...

The everyday reminder that im still childless. I didnt want to take it down because one day i'll get to bring home a healthy baby that can use it.


14 weeks


showing the belly