Nursery Ideas

If baby turns out to be Austin Ryon...this will be his room. Walls and all(except I want to TEXTURE! nooowww) :) I absolutely love this for a boy. Not to mention its a 15pc Kathy Ireland set on sale for just a little over $100! Cant beat that!




Now if we have another little girl (name TBD) then we havent decided on the bedding but these are the options so far...


LOVE BIRD...shall we call her birdie? I think its cute. But thats just it...its cute



Now I like this, but a maybe name is Paisley Harper...and that'd be just a little much to have her room be paisley, right? lol



This is girly, and subtle...its nice. The walls look similar to what I want to do. Actually, I would probably copy the walls for this set.



I really like the colors of this set. Im not a huge fan of super baby rooms. Id like for the room to grow with the baby...afterall, who has the money to buy new stuff all the time? Not us!



This just looks relaxing...hence the name, SPA BABY :) yaaa



I havent always been a fan of black and pink baby rooms. I love the colors but I dont know if its good for a babys room. I get sick of things pretty quick and this might be one of them. However, I think I could make it work and not look too cheesy. The walls just make this look bad. Ive got a few ideas for this...




Well thats all folks. I would love some feedback...leave a comment and tell me what you think and which is your favorite! :)

Change of heart

So as you may know Ive started going to a new ob/gyn. Heres my (long) story about the loooong 10 weeks so far.

To recap:  I set up 2 consults before I got pregnant(from 2 of the 3 practices in Winchester). The first consult was with Dr.Reese, Ryon and I both loved her. I found out I was pregnant that morning so I thought it was a sign thats where I should be. She had a plan for the next several weeks so I thought she was willing to have me as a patient, however I would still have to go to another practice to see Dr.McCoy for my ultrasounds(the only specialist in the area). I ended up cancelling the other consult appointment. The next few days I had to drive back and forth to Winchester to the lab to have my blood drawn until the quant was high enough for an ultrasound...or until it was a "viable pregnancy". So I went back to Dr.Reese's office for my ultrasound at 6wks 2days to confirm there was a baaaby.

Of course the bean was alive and well and growing growing growing. YAY, things were moving along just as they should...I set up my appointment with the nurse and an appointment for the end of September to see Dr.Reese. The nurse was going to call me later that day to tell me when to go to Dr.McCoy(which would of course be before my next appointment w/Dr.Reese).

Later that day I got a call from the nurse to confirm that I didnt want to go to UVA, which they said would be the smartest idea. LOL I had to laugh because they just dont know anything about ACD. Nothing during the pregnancy would be considered high risk so why would I travel 3.5hrs to get the same info? No thanks. Plus I dont need anymore stress! So then she called back again and said they were transfering all care to Dr.McCoy. I was at work so I didnt want to ask questions, she just said someone from her office would be be calling to set up an appointment. As hard as I tried not to cry the tears wouldnt stop rolling. I was sooo upset the one thing I thought I could control I couldnt! Everything I wanted in a doctor I felt like I wasnt going to get at the new practice. I thought I'd most likely see Dr.McCoy a few times and just be thrown around all the other doctors(theres like 8 or 9) and I wouldnt get that personal experience that I really wanted from my new doctor. I didnt want to be just another number.

I got a call the next day to set up orientation and a meeting with the nurse. What in the world would you need to go to orientation for?? Especially since I JUST had a baby...I know what the deal is. I called to try and explain that I didnt need to go but they thought otherwise. I was already bitter and this just made it worse. I had such a bad taste in my mouth when I went to the orientation. (Keep in mind the doctor is 45 minutes away and I have no sick time) Basically we just sat in the back part of the lobby with other new prenatal patients and went over the packet(whats ok to take and all the other duh's). Missing work for this? Not ok. Then I had to go back the next day to meet with the nurse. Well the next day was lots of confusion. I was super emotional that morning...and still bitter. We got to talking with the nurse's nurse about our situation(they didnt have all the paperwork n such so she was trying to get at why Dr. Reese sent me there) and everyone was confused. Of course we talked about Bella and how its stupid they transferred me. I was just crying saying I only wanted to come there for my ultrasounds but Dr. Reese thought I needed to be there for all appointments. So they said "its up to you who you go see...so were not going to go over family history n do all the tests if you want to see her". So they took me upstairs to set up a consult with Dr.McCoy for the following week. Her secretary told me to call Dr Reese and get everything figured out and if she didnt want to see me then call her back and theyd change it to a prenatal work up(draw blood, pap smear, family history...all the fun stuff)

Well after leaving there..another wasted trip, I was so anxious, I knew what they were going to say so I didnt want to call and sound like a crying fool. After stressing I finally called and talked to the nurse..."it says here if you conceive, you need to go to a perinatologist...but she said you can come back to her for your gyn care after if you want". Thanks but no thanks. So its done....there is no back and forth anymore, it is what it is!

The appointment this week went way better than I anticipated. I had been having lots of anxiety but I think ill be ok now.

First we watched the CVS/amnio video from 1950..and the nurse informed me that after I have an ultrasound id meet with Dr.McCoy and then come back another day for my checkup...oooooh no, not again!! We informed her that the secretary said theyd do it all in the same appointment. So she said shed see what she could do and took us in a bigger, nicer room to have and ultrasound to make sure baby is still ok and check the heartbeat. It was so amazing to see the little bean. I teared up a little :) He/She even jumped a bit and made us chuckle. The tech said "isnt it crazy how much they move and you cant even feel it" and of course I replied by telling her I felt some flutters already! Now sure, in a normal situation you probably wouldnt be able to feel anything that early, but ive got a special angel who knows I need reassurance! Of course I didnt say that I just let her think I was crazy. LoL

So after a little while Dr.McCoy came in and we talked for quite a while. I must say I was soo wrong about her. Note: dont judge based on other peoples experiences! They didnt say she was terrible, just stern and not what I was looking for. I really like her a lot based on our meeting tho. Shes dealt with death a lot and she knows her stuff...but was also sympathetic. Shes not the robot I imagined. :) lol She also informed me that I wouldnt have to go to the other doctors and when I get to 39 weeks we could talk about inducing if I really wanted her to deliver. Whew! Also, she was real and finally someone who got it. She said she couldnt do anything anyone else couldnt do except for high tech ultrasound but she understood where Dr. Reese was coming from not knowing anything about it. Of course she didnt either but she wasnt afraid about it and sounded interested. She wanted all the info we had..I of course brought a folder with lots of info and we got to talking about genetics and such and the study at Baylor.

When we were finished she had her nurse call Dr. Sen at Baylor to find out exactly what we needed to do/send. She sent me downstairs to go over history and all the fun tests. Then back upstairs to the lab where myself annnd Ryon had our blood drawn. They sent the blood samples for us and the consent forms. So its finally done!

We were there for 3 hours! Wowza.

Got an email from Dr. Sen saying they got our blood samples the following day and now theyre just waiting on Bella's DNA from UVA(which theyll be sending most likely on Tuesday) He said once they get that theyll start sequencing the FoxF1 gene. We should have results within a few weeks so ill be sure to post an update about that!

So relieved to finally have everything sent(or ready to be sent) to Baylor...and to finally have a doctor for this pregnancy!

Feeling good :)

(weeeelll not physically, but mentally things are in order)

Looking back I know I made a moutain out of an ant hill...but im ok with that! Haha

On another positive note Hawaii is just 44 days away!!

Poem

I Have Met You

By Skylar M Hulse

I miss you I say

"How is that?" They ask.

I met her one day in Heaven

She was guiding my way.

She tapped me on the shoulder

And said, "Mommy

needed me to come."

She brought me to the light

and told me my life had begun.

Then went to Mommy's hand

and held it very tight.

She whispered in her ear,

"Here's a gift for you so bright."

I met my big sister.

We were hand in hand.

Then she hugged and kissed me

I miss her. Now do you understand?


This poem was in the Healing Hearts newsletter that I get every month or every other month it seems. It was written by a 10 1/2 year old girl about her sister...who died almost 1 year before she was born. I read it around the time I found out I was pregnant and was wondering if this baby will get to meet Bella or what this baby will think of their big sister in Heaven..and it gave me chills! Just makes you wonder....and put a smile on my face.

Babybabybaby

Lately ive been obsessing about the new baby. I felt some flutters, starting at 9 weeks!  Ive been so pessimistic and every other day I think its all a dream or something bad is going to happen. I think that was God's little way of saying have faith! Its hard some days.

I get my hopes up and then I bring myself back to reality by saying to myself "you know it could happen again" or "its still early you could always have a miscarriage". I hate that I think this way...no one could say anything to change that either, it is what it is.

I found the perrrrfect bedroom/crib set for a boy. My heart was set on having another little girl, now I think im leaning more towards boy, or atleast its 50/50 (for now)..for those that know me that might sound crazy. I dont even have any ideas on howd id do another little girls room! Im just ready to find out! October is going to be a GOOOD month (we pray its all good news so we can have an awesome time in HAWAII!) :)

I really want to get started on the babys room. I dont want to keep calling it "Bella's room"...so I try to just call it "the nursery". I think im finally ready to find a place for her things and start to change it up a bit. I dont want to just put her things away where they will never be seen...so I thought about getting some type of chest of some sort for our living room and collecting angels and put her pictures and such on top with her things inside. Ive thought about sorting through other things, and also need to sell her crib bedding/hamper/valance and want to do it sooner rather than later. I just dont want to be overwhelmed or have feelings of guilt if I wait till later.  

Anyway, the countdown continues...30 more weeks, I suppose theres a little time to get things done ;)

Neighbor

The other night I had a dream (one of about a million)....

I got off work and went to the cemetary to visit Bella as usual but when I got closer to her spot(I go in the back entrance) there was a funeral going on right beside her. I couldnt get to her because there were so many people and tons of cars. I ended up reversing all the way out and going home. End dream. (So dramatic, I know! LoL)

Well...the next day (reality) I went to the cemetary just as I do everyday on my way home from work. When I pulled up to her I saw they had dug a spot right next to her that wasnt there the day before. 

Gave me chills!

Did they disturb her when they were digging? What do they do with her stuff when theres a funeral going on and they have to put up the tent and chairs? Anyway...

Wondering who this person is that is about to be laid to rest next to my baby...

8 down 32 to go

I know before I got pregnant I said I wouldnt complain about a THING. Well thats easier said than done. Im trying to embrace this pregnancy and enjoy it, but its so hard when your constantly hugging the toilet and feeling so out of it.

For those that were around when I was pregnant with Bella know that I was sick the entire 9 months (with the exception of a few weeks around the 7th month). I would take that sickness over this any day...I had an actual schedule and only a few times was it food that came up.

Round 2: In the beginning I was hungier than usual, no sickness...and I knew for sure it was a boy! Haha...that didnt last long.

The "morning" sickness came full force around 5/6 weeks. This time however, food is coming up...EVERYTHING that goes down...comes up it seems {I know, TMI) but its horrible! Once something comes up I cant eat it again for a looooong time. So ive come to dispise eating. MY BABY NEEDS FOOD!!

Also, if it couldnt get worse...ive developed lactose intolerance. Whaaat?! So no more ice cream, milk, cheese, sour cream....pretty much everything I looove! 

On top of the sickness, I was transfered to a practice that I do NOT want to go to. I dont have any other options tho. The doctor I really wanted considered it too high risk...um thats not what was said when I met with her. Just really bummed out about it. Feeling a little betrayed.

Helllllo Maryann....YOUR PREGNANT! The alternative is much worse. I would much rather be going through these obsticles than not being pregnant and counting down the days until I could be...

So im trying really hard to stay positive, and I dont mean to complain {im only human right??} Well No more complaining for me...

I really am so thankful and feel sooo blessed to be carrying my little bean. I just want to fast forward and meet this little person. Is it a he or she? What will they look like, will they resemble Bella at all? What will that first moment be like? Im really anxious and ready to find out that we have a healthy baby...and we get to keep him/her here with us.

Im just ready to be MOM.

Oh boy.....or girl?

Well, we did it again...(literally)...and IM PREGNANT!!!!!!!

I cant even begin to tell you how excited I am. I am thrilled more than you could ever imagine. Those thoughts dont come alone tho, its followed by fear and anxiety.

(And LOTS of tears both of joy and sadness)

I wish I could be carefree and nieve with not a single worry or stress like it was with Bella...but for us parents whove lost a child, saddly we are robbed of that blissful pregnancy.

This baby is just as much as a blessing as Bella was and I cant wait for the heartburn, frequent trips to the bathroom, the kicks and punches, the sound of the heartbeat, extreme rib pain....all of it....i will try my best to embrace every second and cherish all those moments, even the uncomfortable ones.

One of my biggest concerns is that people will talk about Bella even less with the second baby on the way. NOTE: talking about Bella is a good thing. This baby will in no way replace our little angel and its ok to still talk about her. She was the first person I went to and we talk about baby and being a big sister from heaven. She will watch over all of us and I know when time comes for baby to make his/her entrance...she will be there cheering me on and will make sure he/she is safe. We are aware that ACD is a possibilty again, and thats a risk we are willing to take. If this baby has the same fate as Bella...then we know he/she will be in the best company.

So please, save your congratulations for when we bring home a healthy baby. We welcome prayers and encouragement for what will be a long 9 months...

Maryann

My sweet baby Bella

Here it is August already... it's been almost 7 months since you became an angel. I cant imagine you as a 7 month old...I say that every month. Its still hard to look at babies when I feel you should be amongst them, its still not fair, nor will it ever be.

Time has passed so quick, yet it feels like an eternity since you took your last breath in our arms. I dont feel the heaviness in my arms like I used to. The smells arent fresh and I dont hear the beeping alarms except on rare occasions. I miss those things that used to make me so upset.

I miss you terribly. I miss your soft chubby cheeks and cute little nose, I miss the way you nuzzled your head on my chest, and the way you slept so peacefully in my arms right after your were born. I miss watching your toes wiggle and the way you squeezed my finger so tight right before you left. I will never forget those moments. You brought so much joy to my life and youve tought me so much in such a short time.



Oh Bella, there are some days I dont want to get out of bed, but you have given me so much strength to go on and so I keep putting one foot infront of the other until I get to be reunited with you. Everytime I think I cant, I think of you. You were such a little fighter and an inspiration and I pull my strength from your memory and the fight you put up. Its so amazing how such a tiny little baby can make such a difference.

Im soooo proud to be your mommy...and I will treasure our memories together forever <3

I think of you often, miss you, and love you even more than the day you came into our lives.

I love you baby girl.

Mom

Work

As many of you know I work at a bank. Before I came back I was sooo anxious, not knowing what to expect. My wonderful manager let me stay in the drivethru for 4 months. Before I went back inside I got "are you going to stay out there forever?!" (A lottttt) I really wasn't ready to go inside but I let people get in my head and thought, I guess I should start the rotation again and give others time away from the lobby.

The first day back inside I was literally sick to my stomach(a few times!) And I cried quite a bit, all before we even opened! I thought, I really need to find a new job, one that involves a cubical and no people interation! I even hyped myself up about another bank job, and asked about it, but my SIL works there. I knew I couldnt work with her, but when HR told me that...I got sooo angry.

Anyhow, back to the first day...a few people asked about Bella and I couldnt hold back the tears. I know most people mean well, but after someone tells you her daughter died, would you seriously ask her about another girls baby??! That first day I went home feeling pretty beat up. I hung a picture in my window a few days later with her dates, but people ignore those...instead its a lot of "is that your baby?" Or "aw what a cute baby!" Heres a good one..."aw, she was born right before christmas...and the second date, thats when the picture was taken?"  Wow.

Here was a conversation that left me blown..

guy:(talking about my angel necklace) "your an angel arent you?" Me: "uh,yeah"

guy:"ha,when youre sleeping right"

Me:"sure..actually its my daughter"

guy:"oh ya how old is she"

Me:"she passed away when she was 22 days old"

Guy:"22 days wow, she picked it out all by herself??"

Me:(look of confusion)"she passed away"

Guy:"oh..well thats life right"

Me:"yeah, i guess?...have a good day"

I didnt know what to think after he left.

A lot of times I see them looking...about to say something, and bow their head, or give me that dreaded look. You know exactly what theyre thinking. When I see people look, my heart races..are they going to ask? Am i going to have to say the dreaded words? The customers that have asked, and come to me again, I feel always want to go to anyone but me...not thaat girl.  I DO like when people ask...and then ask what happened and want to talk about it. I love talking about her. I hate saying she passed away and stopping there...and feeling bad for telling them. I want to tell every detail about every second of her life. Of course I dont unless they ask. So far ive been able to talk about her 2 times. Those customers made my day. 

Maryann

Maryann

Disconnected

Ive been in a weird place lately. The time is going soo fast yet so slow. In a few days Bella would have been 7 months old. I wonder constantly what shed be like. Its so hard to imagine her older. 

Not too long ago I was feeling really disconnected...I thought if I ignored my grief it would go away...it would be done with. I felt like I was stuck and I couldnt move forward without her. I also wasn't feeling her presence like I had been and I felt abandoned.

I went to bed one night and before I awoke I had a dream Bella was with me. She was laying on my chest in bed and I was stroking her back when I felt her wings. They were spread out and so beautiful...too beautiful for words. Just as I felt them, I tucked them back in. I woke up with the warmest feeling, my chest still felt weighed down...and then she was gone. My warm happy feeling turned to sadness when my reality set in. I felt connected to her again tho...and that brought a smile to my face. I know that wasnt a dream, she was really there letting me know she is never too far away...

When im having a really bad day, I watch the dvd from right after she was born. Its only a few seconds but I rewind, rewind, and rewind again(cutting it off right before the scary, loud clip of the helicopter taking off). Then I close my eyes and replay the dream in my head from when she visited me with her beautiful wings.

I still have my memories, but as the days go on they seem to fade. Don't they offer something to keep them fresh?! I dont ever want to feel disconnected again.

I miss you beautiful angel, mommy loves you always and forever.